A very deep poem that gives a message from many different interpretations that one can grasp from this poem. Your metaphors are all done very nicely though I feel like they aren't as strong as some of your original ones in other pieces. It could be that you were trying to push yourself into writing a metaphor. The words you speak tell of great sadness and also of a hatred that won't satisfy till it has its vengence. The emotions in this poem are also strong and I like how it brings the poem to live.
"Or describe you like a weeping willow
or a mourning robin, a yellow forest
or a falling sun...
A failing storm, or a disabled wave,
or the perfect sunset, ever been delayed?
or by writing how you've become,
the best enemy yourself ever made."
That was by far my favorite stanza and I could feel everything you were trying to convey in this message. This has to be also one of your greatest moments of imagery and possibly one of the best stanzas jammed packed with imagery that gave my mind so much to see at once I swear I had a overload problem! :P But seriously, the poem flowed well and the rhyming I see every once in awhile was nice though it almost seemed forced but I could have been reading it wrong.
All in all, this has to be one of your strongest poems in a long while and I very impressed with this piece as I am all your pieces. The flow was great as was the structure. Your lines are sad and portray many feelings and emotions and the imagery blows all my poems imagery put together out of the water and back into the clouds. I am glad to see you are always challenging yourself and you are always writing more and more maturely. Great job and keep writing!
I can sense that you're angry while you're writing this but to be honest i can't feel the intensity of that feeling, and it seems that there are lots of words that is swirling around your head because of the image and ideas that you used.
but the most interesting part is your first stanza reminding me of the verse in the bible.
I swear I had a overload problem! :P
6 years ago
...Wow. Just wow. That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm so happy you took this where you did..WOW. This is just, great!
A couple suggestions:
"that I've built around me, so I start by"
I would take out the "so" here. You started the previous line with "to" and to have "so" here really threw me off :/
Also, the last bit.. "the best enemy yourself ever made" I would change "yourself" to "you've". Try reading it out loud that way and see if you like it better :)
"perhaps I move on through a poem
that you will never read, nor understand
if you ever did."
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS PART. I think it had such anger and sarcasm, but pain at the same time.
I love your third stanza with all the "or"'s and different situations and scenarios. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, and here it definitely did! I loved it here, it was placed perfectly.
I like your subtle rhymes here and there. I don't think it was intentional, but it added tremendous quality to your flow. Overall this is just amazing. I really, really love what you did with this :) You should be proud of this one, for sure :)
Ohh yess, murdering someone with your words through metaphors. Gives that mysterious feeling. You can hold that hate and speak of it in a figurative way rather than literally though you still hold it within.
I could relate to every last word. The ending is just perfect. I loved all the metaphors, they make much sense.
Wow.... Rania congratulations! This poem is amazing :) I love it.... The title of the poem perfectly fit the topic of the poem... I really loved it and I think we can all relate to the feelings you've expressed. I love your choice of words, amazing! A very well-deserved win :)
This guy is metaphorically dead now ... And I bet you left lots of collateral damage to the viewers ... I mean that in a good way.
I can feel the anger ... as I was reading the last stanza My voice was getting higher and higher in anger ... I felt like I was part of it ... I mean the emotions were easily diffusing into me, soon I realized that it was a poem, thankfully before I do anything stupid ! :D See this is how dangerous this poem is !
I believe you can form the opening stanza far better. The first line is uneeded because it plainly explains the metaphor. And since you use a "sword" as the tool for your words, how do these figurative language (simile, metaphors) come from the swords?
There's a poem by a young poet in my local town that uses a gun as a metaphor instead of a sword; where "the words are loaded packed with meaning: the gunpowder encased in an inky shell." ... "the poem cocked, the safety off," ...the words "in its chamber aiming straighth for your head"
^ I kind of noticed your first stanza drifting towards this idea but then you lost it after that stanza. As if you changed the flow of your poem.
1st stanza: seems a bit too up and down. How it shows a sign of hatred/anger, then followed by hopelessness. I'm not sure what to think about the speaker here, either you've exaggerated it a bit that makes it unconvincing or the speaker is somewhat impulsive to his/her emotions. - in that case, must be present throughout the whole poem.
"painting you like a dying light
that fades before me,"
^ not a fan of this line. Even metaphors must make their own sense. How can you pain light? And a dying light in other words is a fading light, so "that fades" becomes redundant. Its like saying "the black room caped me with darkness"
"or perhaps I will color you with white;"
^ you've already used coloring in the past line, try a different metaphor this time that depicts the same aim. I understand you want to go along something that is invisible to the eye? How about the wind or the air?
"Perhaps I could cough you and never inhale you again?"
perchance then I never care, never care again.
^ just be creative. Its good exercise.
The poem has clearly shifted, the 3rd stanza continued that "or... or..." It has nothing to do now with your first stanza, or even the title of the poem.
Since you've done this. My suggestion is changing the first stanza to fit it with the theme of the other two. Some would say that the descriptions on the third stanza is a little too much, but I'm okay with it, But maintain quality over quantity please. Some of those metaphors are weak and boring.
The ending is forced. I was hoping for the speaker to admit that no words could compare, like what was mentioned in the last lines of the first stanza. But then the ending suggested the point of the speaker. That the receiver is merely an enemy is disappointing.
Just my opinion though. Stuff deserves thinking about.
The shadows you have cast here are shimmering in my mind
seldom on my journey could I ever hope to find
such teardrops of a spirit, mixed with sweat and blood
where ghosts from time invade the mind and verify these words.
I have been touched by the truth of this poem and the last stanza in particular, cuts through the usual excuses and apologies like a knife. Bravo so insightful.