Tankas are a fun form, and I love it when poets write tankas in the nature genre. This talented poet took this form and ran with it... Beautiful piece! She took me to a field of corn poppies and I felt as though I was laying in the field... The flower itself almost looks as though they are on fire and to see them up close, they do look like corn. The author gave me such a visual display that took my breath away!!! The second and third line was a great mix of broken hearted emotion and love of peaceful nature, love the metaphor...
"Tickling winds" - when filled with sorrow, the scent is hard to smell, and winds do tickle if your heart is at peace, and if not... well sadness consumes. The author took me to another dimension within this small and delightful tanka!!! Wonderful job on this piece- Well done Jenni
I love reading nature poems for the mere fact that I find it a little too hard for me to write one aha, and because they are always open for interpretation and they make me imagine/picture what is written.
"Last night you gleamed red"
I was honestly quite skeptical when I first read this. I always thought corn poppies were always red so it seemed redundant. But on second thought, maybe they were a little bit redder or a different shade of red on that particular night (to the persona). I think you could've been more specific with what red because if you think of it, there are a lot of different reds. I didn't know whether they were a darker or lighter red. I would have liked a little more detail, perhaps? It is a tanka though, so the syllable count might've restricted you.
"as if few hearts bled to death
on each small blossom."
I like the 'bled to death...' but I found 'few hearts' a little too awkward. I would have phrased it to something like: "as though my heart bled to death..." But it is purely subjective since I like specificity in poetry. And I like 'though' as opposed to 'if'.
Just a few suggestions, however. No need to change anything :)
"The scent is missing today
since winds did not just tickle."
Poppies do cause headaches since their scent/odour is too powerful sometimes, most especially when there are a lot, or when they are found growing together in a field. I like how you wrote that the scent is 'missing'. The wind may be a metaphor for change or time. I thought 'tickle' was a cleverly chosen word, and to say that the wind 'did not just tickle' is like saying that it was violent, or that the wind was blowing to a different direction; not on your way.
A beautiful tanka and a fully deserved win, Jenni. Congrats and keep writing!
6 years ago
Awesome tanka Jen :) I was glad to see it win! Congrats