I know this isn't one of your latest poems, but I saw (bio) and I had to check it out, it definitely wasn't what I expected but that's a good thing! You have an amazing style, I enjoy your work so I have put you on my favorites list!
I invite you
to see the world, using my eyes
then see yourselves where you should be
in that cocktail
I think that 'yourselves' should just be 'yourself' - would make the reader feel as if you are singling out them, not a variety of people. Makes it more personal.
I love this opening! - inviting the reader to see the world from your perspective, opening up to let that person in. It can be a difficult thing to do...
I like to see
all your beauty well reflected
between your hearts, as butterflies
shining my eyes
Again, the plurals - alter them to make it more personal - talking one-on-one with the reader instead of a wide audience.
Also, in the last line: I think it should be 'shining in my eyes' - makes more sense that way.
I loved the imagery here. To me, this suggests that you are opening up to a loved one, trying to make them see themselves through your own eyes. A really beautiful stanza.
I want to be
smiles on your lips, wiping your tears
removing hate, revealing love
I think perhaps change it to 'the smile on your lips, wipe your tears away' --- I think it sounds better that way, more sentimental somehow.
The last two lines are perfect. Just stunning.
I love the openness of the piece, the sincerity, simplicity and sentimentality.
Just perhaps (as I said above) alter the plurals to make it sound as though you are talking to one person instead of many.
A stunning piece, Khalid. 5/5
5 years ago
by Sparkling snow flake
WOW so deep and reflective!
I love the idea of seeing life through your eyes.
I love the last stanza!
5.5 from me
5 years ago
Khalid, this is the best poem I have read of yours. Such sincerity yet very calm. You show great hope in this and such attention to finer details. You use great analogies in this, the flow is really good and the lay out works visually.