Comments : Empty Envelope [Ottava Rima]

  • 5 years ago

    by Britt

    I don't suck, i included mythology for you. Will comment when I'm at a computer, you jerk.

  • 5 years ago

    by Nema

    HAHA calm down ladies. You two are hilarious.

    All jokes aside, I think I read this poem at least three times. It's very intriguing and I could come up with many, many ideas for it, and picture several scenes in one line. Which is basically brilliant.

    I have always, and will always, tell you how much I admire your writings that has anything to do with mythology. I still don't know why, but perhaps it's because your poems are not the kinda poems to be read once, or twice, you actually MAKE ME read it more and more, and I get different shadows for each time.

    You've never failed to make anyone proud. Not to mention that your Ottava Rima was outstandingly poetized. Your rhyme was quite smart as well.

    I enjoyed this, really :)
    Shine on~

  • 5 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    No matter the challenge Mel, you always rise above it. This form is in no way easy.. I've never attempted it but Its definitely wonderful to see a gorgeous piece from this form.

    I love every little bit of this piece. The first line drew me in so quickly, I loved the 'our lvoe was a string of haiku' - simply amazing, I just love this!

    I've been wondering as of late why you do mention the spine all so often in your poetry, not only do I love it because it's one of the body parts that works so well poeticly and there are so many ways you can branch metaphors from it but I see it a lot & wonder what the significance is to you. I adore how you incorporate it everytime, it's a wonderful idea.

    Also really love your tite here, it's brilliant. It really connected with the line about their skin being like a chalkboard when they are sleeping. This line makes so much sense, as if they are void of emotion, blank, nothing, calm & at peace. Definitely very amazed at the way you take such odd objects such as a chalkboard and relate them to something but make it so poetic. You will forever be an idol in my eyes when it comes to poetry.

    Wonderful write, you rose above the challenge beautifully!

  • 5 years ago

    by Yakari Gabriel

    "I remember your spine more than your face"

    ...........

    Oh mel..

  • 5 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Mel this is such an emotional poem!!! Your words flow with so many different colours and perspectives....I feel nostalgia, pain, wonder, and mourning this feeling of...loss I guess? That last line killed me- "a false sense of Eden". It makes me think how much you must have met beauty in this person, encountering it and learning its love....yet in the end not being able to keep it, hold it.

    I've never tried the form either but it does seem tricky, especially being able to describe yet have the rhymes touch people and move them. I don't know why I was so attached to the rhyming here, it just captured my eyes and heart.

    "I always said you held planets between your lips, grand
    pianos sighted on your hips, there were days
    our home was a tree of fairy lights, your hands
    were muses blooming autumn nights, bright blaze,
    sleepless fights."

    I love how you say "I always said" instead of just "You held planets...". It's like you had such a major part in this person's life, you were part of their breath, you composed a love with them. The pianos on the hips were allaying and gorgeous. It was so abstract, it reminded me of a fantasy, especially the next line about the fairy lights. Everything seems much more passionate in this relationship. Everything lit by a fire.

    A truly breathtaking poem. You are such a beautiful poet and you met this challenge brilliantly as you do so many others. I really can't say much else other than I want to cry from this. I want to read it again and I know I probably will lol. That opening is unique, and you really make poetry your own reflection of such spirit in you. I've never had anything like this where I realize, too late, I should have talked to someone, told them something about them that I can't forget or leave behind. The emotion penned here is unforgettable.......Keep your heart hoping though........... It was a pleasure to read :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Darren

    Well done, a difficult task for most, the rhyme scheme was spot on, abababcc is usual for an Ottava Rima, as is correct use of Iambic pentameter. The syllable count seems spot on apart from line 2, it has 11 as far as I can see. If you drop 'a' it still falls within the form.
    (although I may be wrong and would love to hear so if that is the case)
    I have also read this three times, each time the imagery increases, Obviously the form helped the flow, there are people on this site who do not like form (they are entitled to their opinion) but they then moan that they struggle with flow or pace!!

    great piece

    • 5 years ago

      by Melpomene

      Hi Darren,

      Thanks for your comment. I looked at shadow poetry when it came to writing this piece and it stated that an Ottava Rima consists of 10 or 11 syllables in each line. I will have to double check it against another site. Thanks for paying attention to the fine details.

  • 5 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    <3 Love this no end.

  • 5 years ago

    by Britt

    So even though you gave me a really nasty shoutout in the end of this poem, I'm going to rise above it and give you a comment. :P Snotface.

    You open up the poem so beautifully, a string of haiku - simplicity at it's finest, beautiful flow and often strong imagery. Something you could definite want as a love, all those characteristics. The next few lines are absolutely gorgeous, typically I would associate chalkboard with an irritant (nails on the chalkboard noise, ew now I have goosebumps), but you're an artistic, and you find beauty on an empty canvas, where you can create with your feelings and emotions. AH I LOVE THAT.

    I hardly notice it's rhyming. I love the way you do rhyming forms, with your line breaks mid sentence. That's just typically not done, but you break all the rules lol. I love that you have decay and bay - two rhymes you never, ever see. Yay for different rhymes ;)

    I love the part about the spine - you always remember their character rather than their beauty, until they left. Then you were forced to find your own strength and focus on moving forward, because they suddenly lost all the strength you once admired them for. So much from that little bit of symbolism, it has my mind going in a daze with the meaning. It's so beautiful and sad.

    So, overachiever, you have internal rhyme as well as external with your hips & lips - I loved that. It gave it some sass for me, like 'hey, this is how high on a pedestal you were to me, this is how much I loved and cared for you, this is how I saw you, and now it's not true anymore'. Maybe not that it isn't true, but that it's different now, everything has changed.

    The last full sentence breaks my heart. Body wrapped in seasons as though they're constantly changing, they aren't the constant and same you knew before. The treasure maps can mean so many different things but hear I took it as though they're just a prize now - that they're beautiful but you're defeated. Treasure maps are often rigged with traps... and the false sense of Eden - now that broke my heart, and you know why.

    So many beautiful things in the poem, and it's amazing to me that you always talk of how you hate formed poetry. It may not be the easiest thing for you to write, but you show everyone else up who feel it's easy. You're a constant, Mel.

  • 5 years ago

    by Mr Rush

    So much to admire in this one, particularly as the form is a firm favourite of mine. Your use of rhyme and enjambment is skillful and shows a willingness to place meter before obvious need for line breaks which I find so refreshing. Strictly speaking, this isn't written in iambic pentameter, however the idiosyncracies of your work, including enjambment between stanzas, and feminine syllable rhymes which probably shouldn't work, yet somehow they do, makes me find this so endearing to read.

  • 5 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    I have always admired your poetry and this poem reminds me of why... your word usage!

    Within this piece you have worded your feelings in such a way that it is mind boggling.. and I love that. Then you also crafted this piece into an Ottava Rima which fits really beautiful with this piece....

    Two lines stuck out and got me the most:

    "I remember your spine more than your face"

    ^^^^^ this line here is so powerful, its worded in such a way that makes this poem pretty... but the depth of this line screams powerful emotions as well... to me it makes a statement of he turned his back on you.. and that pained you deeply... :-( what an awesome and creative way to display hurtful feelings towards someone....

    and then:

    "Your body wrapped in seasons,
    a treasure map, a false sense of Eden."

    Your ending line says it all..... He may have been handsome, but confusing as well, hence the wording of "treasure map" and saying a false sense of Eden really got me....

    sighs.... I will always admire and adore your poetry and this poem here, goes on my list of favorites by you.... very nice Mel~

  • 5 years ago

    by Decayed

    What a beautiful piece, Mel. I'm trying to comment thoroughly, but I find it hard since you always go abstract, and you always have this unique touch of making your lover's body a collage/mosaique of streets, cities, lights, mythologies, music, and poetry.

    And what's more unique is that your lines are longer than most writers'; through this way, I remain breathless till the end, not because I'm tired or so, but because you take me away to Europe, always :P hehe

    (Y) LIKE (Y)

  • 5 years ago

    by nourayasmine

    So time for a proper comment. :P

    I have been loving all your work lately. I love it all the time, anyways, but oh my, Mel, you're writing magic recently.

    Let me go directly to the poem as I have not so much time and am pretty sure you don't want to hear my latest updates, haha. I really loved how you started it with the reference to haikus; haikus are short and impressive, usually descriptive and speaking of nature and the 'string' bit was smart. I have used the word 'haiku' in my poetry so much and it means something to me, something so bittersweet, I was really glad to see it representing something to you too. Such a nice opening to say the least!

    I don't know why but I am linking the 'string' to his 'skin' or maybe 'spine', also linking the 'chalkboard' to 'pencil'. The chalkboard addition made me feel insecure, as chalkboards remind me of school, childhood and all those old, nostalgic things. Then again, you said 'bay' and I was like 'mhm, this was intentional...she means me, yes she does', I just loved it. Really loved it, the outer thigh and the reference to Winter were really sensual, and then you mentioned 'retrace' as if you are really trying your best to remember all those details of you and him. Just heartbreaking.

    I am well aware that I am rambling here but I have no other choice, this piece left me speechless as everything you write does. I just promised myself to come back and comment.
    As Britt said, I LOVE the inner rhymes as well, lips/hips and the lights/nights/fights one too, dunno if there is more but that's what I could catch. Of course, each break of a line has a meaning and I began to understand your lines breaks. Haha. :P

    What I couldn't believe...is how perfectly you used the 'false sense of Eden' sentence. Wow. Like all those stuff you've been feeling were just fake and ....it's true they hold a sweet meaning yet it hurts to realise they were never meant to be everlasting - unlike Eden. Just wow...

    I really fell in love with this piece, Melissa. I cannot stop reading it and I'm sad to see this not making it to the front page. It belongs there.
    And I'm sorry for my awful comment. =p
    My thoughts are random and I'm finding it hard to write properly as of late.

    Wonderful.

  • The letter I probably should have written...

    ^^
    I'm not sure if this is meant to be part of the poem or not, but either way it could work.

    Our love was a string of haiku; and I
    ^^
    I love this beginning - WOW! Kind of poetic simple but so so beautiful.

    forgot to tell you that your skin looked like a
    chalkboard when you are sleeping, sometimes my
    ^^
    'chalkboard' is not something I would have associated with love at all .. even whiteboard would be more appropriate in my eyes, but this really, truly works. I love the originality.

    mind would pencil a lonely winters bay
    against the muscle of your outer thigh
    and brighten violets sprouting from decay.

    ^^
    I again love your originality with the use of 'violets sprouting from decay' - I love that implied meaning of strength and rising above after something so horrible. Completely beautiful.

    I remember your spine more than your face
    and when you left I tried hard to retrace
    ^^
    I have three similar interpretations here.
    Firstly, that you remember the 'spine' better because you were always embraced in a beautiful love.
    Secondly, that you remember the 'spine' better because you remember the sadness that you felt when they walked away, the image of their back, not their face looking back ...?
    Thirdly, that all superficical elements couldn't compare to those emotions or parts you associated this person to.
    It could even to an extent mean all of the above -- which is extremely clever to have such many emotions. But either way, WOW!

    the moment you banished your backbone and
    the sight of having to grow mine. I always
    ^^
    Makes me think about vows in marriage 'for sickness and health' -- like this person couldn't be there in this way for you.

    said you held planets between your lips, grand
    pianos sighted on your hips, there were days
    our home was a tree of fairy lights, your hands
    were muses blooming autumn nights, bright blaze,
    sleepless fights. Your body wrapped in seasons,
    a treasure map, a false sense of Eden.

    ^^
    WOW! This last stanza truly leaves me speechless... I don't think I'm going to recover any time soon.
    Flawless rhyme, flow, pace, imagery ... WOW WOW WOW!

    Never stop writing! 5/5