Passengers lament

by Nicko   Nov 1, 2012


The intercom blared "Ladies and gentlemen rows 15 - 30 are now boarding,
only those passengers seated in rows 15 - 30 are to board the plane, rows 15 to 30 please.
At last, that was my queue, I was seated at the back in 28D an aisle seat. I had always preferred the aisle, easy access to the toilet and not jammed up in the middle or against the window where it's hard to get out.
Handing over my boarding pass I leisurely made my way down the ramp to board the aircraft.
Hang on! the queue was a mile long, banked up along the passageway, now that was unexpected,
maybe everybody was sitting in the back of the plane, or my seat had been triple triple booked?
Silly me, obviously most people on this flight don't speak English as the front of the plane was already full of bodies and bags, with most seated by the time I made it past the seething mass to the back of the plane.

Luckily I only had one small bag
Which I tucked under the front of my seat as the overhead locker was full to bursting, with straps and all sorts of paraphernalia hanging out
One poor lady must be moving house, as she had three large satchels and two handbags stuffed up there.
Well at least I was in my seat, though a bit of a squeeze with my knees pushed into the seat in front. But that's what you get in cattle class these days, pack'm in. Squeeze up the seats a couple of inches and you can fit another row in.

I could never figure out who gets the arm rest in the middle of two seats, the overly large bloke beside me had commandeered both on either side of his, leaving me with my outside one. First in best dressed I suppose. His size kind of made me lean to the left as he overflowed into my seat somewhat.
I just love the G force at take off as it pushes you into the back of your seat, some hang on like grim death, knuckles white, clenched determinedly to their armrests, not me I love it..
Mind you, the left hand engine was emitting some sort of weird high pitched whining noise with the engines in full thrust, but we seemed to make it to cruising altitude without it falling off, I guess the engineers must have checked it out at some stage. Reminder to self, never, never, ever, watch Crash Investigation again.

Leaning to the left I settled into my seat.
Two hours later and my bum was going to sleep. At least some part of my body was, as the seat recline button didn't seem to work too well, only moving a miserly couple of inches, causing my head to continually flop forward..
Reminder to self 2, take my earphones on my next flight, cause this plane forgot to pack any, or any tv's or much of anything really, the blue berry muffin cost $10

And only if I knew who farted, was it in front, or from behind, that big bloke beside me maybe? No one owned up but since I almost passed out due to lack of oxygen I don't suppose it mattered.
The little baby in the row opposite must have had blocked ears from take off,
because the poor little thing cried from take off too landing. It was that loud I could have sworn she was sitting in my seat with me. Or maybe it was from the full nappy we could all smell, maybe the little angel smelt the airplane food and pooped in sympathy.

What about the poor guy behind me, he must have had a broken tray table, because my seat keep bouncing forward every time he tried to clip it back, bounce, bounce, bounce, every five minutes, but that's ok I was awake anyway.
I normally stick to water when flying but the big bloke next to me went for a cup of coffee mid flight, I must admit to getting a bit nervous when hostesses pass boiling hot water over me on planes prone to turbulence. Phew she managed it without spilling a drop. Ok my nervousness did increase though when I saw him with his big pudgy fingers trying to get the tear tab off the piddly milk container they dish out on most flights. Fumble, fumble, strain, rip, fumble, oops, SQUIRT, Oh dear!! Thank god it went over the bloke squashed up against the window not me, luckily he was asleep....

Sitting at the back of the plane you can hear that interesting wooosh noise
every time the toilet is flushed, Wooosh, wooosh, wooosh.
Makes you wonder where the stuff goes?
Seems most people must have forgotten to go to the toilet before takeoff,
because the queue past my seat was really really long and there was a lot of wooosh, woooshing, going on.
What about that bloke who elbowed me in head as he waltzed down the aisle
He just missed an itchy spot to the left of my ear by millimetres, luckily for me he got on the way back.
I worked out the bloke opposite is a brick layer, his massive hand luggage bag, bigger than the one I checked in, which incidentally he spent half an hour trying to cram into the overhead locker, fell on my head while he was retrieving it, I swear there were bricks in there..

Thank god the planes landing
You know It must be infinitely more comfortable being squashed in the aisle than sitting, because once the seatbelt sign flicks off, 5000 people instantly cram in there, some don't even wait for the seatbelt sign.
nose to nose,
toe to toe,
hip to hip,
bag to bag
some bent over like staples.
All of a sudden the air gets all hot and musty with seething sweaty bodies
Of course they only have to wait 20 mins for the cabin door to open. Lucky for them as they all got to the baggage carousel to see my bag come out first....

This is a collage of flights I've taken over the years...
(Not what i would classify as a poem by any means)

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Latest Comments

  • 4 months ago

    by mossgirl19

    Really cool write, hehe. I have been to only four plane flights in all my life but I can totally relate. Your creativity is very much appreciated. This is great!

  • 5 months ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Fella I feel you on this one, I take an 8ish hour flight every few months and I could relate to so much hahaha loved your voice throughout, saved to favs so i can literally lmao

    All the best mate

    Ben

  • 2 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    Lol Oh Nicko! This was very handy, it made me really smile and giggle a lot, I just loved how accurate you were in your descriptions. It was all one package I can't pick a favorite part but when you mentioned not to watch plane crash investigations again it made me laugh because I keep on watching these and kind of felt what kind of thoughts you had at that time.

    The wooshing was hilarious, the way you described the man next to you, size wise, was really brilliant. I could have read this no matter how long! Thanks a lot for sharing this and you can bet I am not planning to get into a plane until I forget this piece :P

    on another note, although it is a slang poem, allow me to tell you that you have to change this

    take off too landing.
    ^
    into this:

    take off to landing.

    too: to.

    You need to write more you know XD

  • 3 years ago

    by trippetta TC

    Bravo! Good to hear your tone again and a wonderful free flow :) Merry Xmas if you are still on here and remember me mate.

  • 4 years ago

    by Poetess

    This made me laugh and think about all my horrible experiences while flying. I once got stuck between to very young girls who decided it was okay to sprawl their legs all over me while they slept. And the other one kept jamming her head into my rib cage in her sleep :/

    Anyway, this was awesome. Fun and interesting to read!

    -Liz

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