Gravity is a passion of mine after I translate my gravity work id love you to read. But i love how i contrast the breath of life to a sphere, "its the easiest shape to make". Love it makes me think
3 years ago
Okay a small nitpicky thing for me is the capitalized U in universe, I think it should not be uppercase, but that is just me. anyways,
You really do suck the reader in with this poem I feel, each line contributes with the last and you did a great job keeping it vague or metaphorical in poetry terms if you will. " A small breath of life" I feel is a great opening line, because it is opening you up to a new world so to speak- as in you are reborn like a phoenix and that small something is making your day go better or you feel more happy with what this object is. Its almost like you see it in the point of view of the object at hand.
The second line is great as well because first of all it fits the senryu pattern of syllables but it a noun you are speaking of an action to go long with the first line. This almost has a different point of view from the first line but somehow you make it all connect.
and for the last line, I love it for the sense that is goes well with the first line and you are carrying away all of your sadness and this one object has made you feel better about yourself. well crafted write!