Enough for me

It's the worst thing;
When you realize your father isn't going to be around forever.
That being said...
I've spent the last hour crying on my own fathers lap,
Telling him he isn't allowed to die.
I won't allow it.
That I can't do this without him..
I'm not ready.
This.. this thing that we call life;
I thought it was supposed to be beautiful?
Instead,
We watch the ones we love hurt,
Or get sick;
Or hurt themselves..
And sometimes even slowly fade with their health.
In this moment,
I tell my dad that it's things like this..
Feelings and emotions like THIS,
That make me miss my drugs.
Make me wish I'd never stopped them.
Because feeling nothing
is better than feeling the constant crushing weight,
Feeling the anxiety and anger at what life has done for me.
And he says "you don't need them."
He's right;
I don't.
In fact.. I never really did.
Drugs were just a way to numb the unbearable emotions;
To help take away or rather;
Mask
the pain that comes creeping to the surface.
So I nod,
And wipe my nose on his shorts as he rubs my back,
Reminding myself that I am loved.
That I am cared about.
That what I have may not be much..
But what I do have means everything to me.
And that..
THAT..
is enough for me.