It never compares

The last seven months have been a blur.
I often wonder what you would say if you were here-
To see me like this.
Not eating correctly and sleeping either way too much or too little,
Staying busy or getting lost in Hawaii five o;
Im a mess and I know it and you’d be sad.
But somehow I can’t force myself to move on,
Like I’m stuck in a deeper version of survival
mode than I was when you were sick and-
I’m just stuck.
There’s a gaping hole where you used to be and-
I still check my phone and wait for you to call me;
There’s not much I wouldn’t give up to see “dad” on my phone screen again.
I have all this newfound freedom but all I can seem to do is cry.
And stay on my couch.
And wish you’d show up in my dreams so I can hug you again.
Your coat doesn’t smell like you anymore;
I slept with it too many times and now the smell has faded,
Taking what’s left of my heart with it.
They say that sometimes a girl just needs her dad but you were both parents to me and-
I need you all the time.
Living in a delusional world where some part of me wants to believe you’ll come walking through my front door with your grouchy huff;
Either to complain about someone taking too long or to tell me how pretty a store clerk was.
I miss you in my bones.
You were my home and now
No matter how many nice things I buy for my apartment;
It never compares.