I barely remember today
and I'm not even on
But I'll try, bits and pieces
coat my dry mouth.
Today you reminded me
that I'm still invited
to a celebration after work,
and I guess I did a bad
job of hiding my disdain.
I replied, "won't that be awkward"
to which you shook your head and
said you didn't understand that,
but how do I discuss my insecurities
in under five minutes?
I wonder if people dismiss me as shy
when really, I'm seeking new
shelter on a battlefield that's always
changing before I can memorize the layout.
Quiet is not necessarily peaceful
when my mind yells that I don't deserve
Still, I try to escape, whenever I can.
And what's the point of letting people
know how I function and why I'm often
a stormy front -
It wouldn't be that natural to disclose
my medical history, iron it all out so
it's plain to see that I feel like a drastically
different person some days,
yearning for innocence before depression and
paranoid thoughts claimed my full attention.
Tomorrow is a funeral,
one that I'm not singing for
and perhaps Mom and I will
go out for coffee afterwards,
asking for refills so the memories
don't have to end.
Not many people will know
that we wept, and I don't know if that's
pathetic or sacred in a way.
Days keep on playing their melody
while I buy more time,
attempting to steady myself
on the few people and places I
I'm terrified and content
all at once.
Isolated yet somehow safe