You've got the sun singing to me, but that's not what I'm after;
I'd prefer your voice over any orchestra.
The violins are sweating notes as your fingers dance over the strings,
And your smile resembles that of safety, like comfort no other brings.
Nature's beautiful with no flaws, but you could win this fight; I'd rather sink into those eyes.
The fireflies will show us something no other's have seen that entertain and seduce the night,
But baby you don't need to move; you could change the color of the sunset with your smile, it's true,
And even if the stars giggle down upon us, we'll simply laugh knowing they can't have the moon like I have you.
That string quartet is playing but the melody they're strumming is nothing to your voice
And those whispers you sneak in the air around me won't be lost; they'll melt into mine.
We'll turn up that music to feed our souls and move to the tune of our lips;
We'll slow dance to this disaster [we'll call it love that shakes our hips].
You can break my composure with one word and just a kiss could steal what breath I have,
But I'm no one to complain; your eighth note rhythm is mingling with the melody of my chords.
You are turning my composed, soft music of love from whole notes to eighth notes that take your breath away.
Your kiss is a short cut to my heart and I'll kiss them with every note; I'm dancing too fast, but I've barely began to care.
Whisper anything you want into my lips; baby let's play truth or dare.
First, let me say that I thought this was a very good poem. Your use of language really did a good job or keeping the reader intrigued and your imagery was great. Now, on to the review.
You have some SPAG issues (spelling, grammer, and punctuation) and some of your flow and rhythm are off.
FLOW and RHYTHM:
You've got the sun singing to me, but that's not what I'm after; (15 syllables)
I'd prefer your voice over any orchestra. (12 syllables)
The violins are sweating notes as your fingers dance over the strings, (17 syllables)
And your smile resembles that of safety like comfort no other brings. (17 syllables)
When writing a poem, even free verse, read it out loud. By doing so, you will be able to catch this. Anything that stumbles you will stumble the reader.
And your smile resembles that of safety (COMMA) like comfort no other brings.
But I'm no one to complain; your eighth note rhythm is mingling with the melody of my chords (;) PERIOD
Your kiss is a short cut to my heart and I'll kiss them with every note; I'm dancing too fast, but I've barely began to care (;) PERIOD
Again, a very well writen peice. I would not point out the discrepencies in your work except to help you improve. I hope I was helpful :-D
That was beautiful. The way your words painted an image in my mind, was indescribable. I love how you portray your emotions with such comparisons. The flow wasn't perfect but the overall peice was!
great job! 5/5