I know most of you don't know me, and I honestly don't know why I'm making this post, but I find PnQ the safest place to vent. And I badly need to vent. I feel like I'm choking. So if you see this as attention-seeking, I apologize, but please don't make any negative comment. I honestly only want to talk.
As if being a lonely girl in a war torn country wasn't bad enough. I got evacuated yesterday out of my place. I'm staying now at my friend's place. My sister is staying at her friend's place. My dog is at my boyfriend's place. I have no idea how or why I'll move on. I've experienced this before but I had someone by my side then. Now I don't. And this is the most helpless I ever felt.
That's not everything.
Today I knew that my ex, who was even after we broke up a close friend of mine, was killed. He was a soldier. He spent 6 years of his life in the army. I can't even get sad or cry in front of the people I know; most of them hate the army. I can't go to his funeral; his family doesn't want me there. I've been used to receiving bad news, and I knew that one day this eventually will happen, but still I feel shocked. I didn't expect this news to break my heart this much. I'm dying.
I have been suffering from serious sleeping problems for a long time. But these past few days, it got a lot worse. I literally can't sleep. I can't get myself to do anything. I have lost all motivation. What's the point, anyway? I've reached the bottom and there's no way up.
I spent the last few hours watching inspirational videos and reading stories about people who made it. But I have zero trust in myself that I can make it.
I don't deserve this. Nobody does. All I ever wanted was a chance, and I got none. I swear I never hurt a single person in my entire life, then why me?
I'm so sorry if you think this is dramatic and pointless. I only need a friend to talk to, and PnQ has always been a shelter for me.
Know that you are loved here. Remember you always have this safe haven. The stuff you are dealing with is horrendous for Anyone, let alone a young girl without parents or home. You can always come to this place and find friends who have known you for years.
I remember when you first joined. You were one of my first PnQ daughters and always will be. The developing depth of your poetry over the years has been astounding. Your understanding of the world around you is a gift. You will always have a reservoir of strength to draw upon. If you need a refill just ask. We love you.
If anyone dares to call you dramatic or attention-seeking, I will personally have a vendetta against them. PnQ is indeed a safe haven for so many of us.
I wish I could be by your side right now and just be there for you, no matter if you wanted to talk or just sit in silence. Please know that I am here for you even though I'm over 6,000 miles away. I wish I could take your pain away, you are such a dear soul and I cannot utter it enough that you don't deserve any of this, no one does...
We can try to help you find places to stay if you are being evacuated. Also, is there any way you can go incognito and still attend your ex's funeral, or make a memorial to him? I cannot imagine holding that burden and not being able to mourn. We will mourn with you. We will be here if you need to talk about him. It's amazing you both remained what sounds like steadfast friends.
You are precious to us and we are here for you, even at your lowest, no matter what. Keep fighting, keep venting, keep expressing your emotions if it helps.
Yeah I'm always hiding my depression and anger from my friends, because nobody would want to hear about anybody elses problems. I usually just try to forget about what's going on and focus on moving forward. But today I felt like nothing is going right and I have no energy left to be strong. I needed someone to tell me that it's gonna be okay, and that I'm not alone.
You've always been there for me, MarryAnne, I'm lucky to be your friend. <3 *Hugs*
We haven't met but I am so glad that you posted for help. You will always find a friendly face here willing to listen without judgement because this really is a safe haven. I'm sending you a warm hug and to tell you that you will be ok. You are far more stronger that you think you are. Reaching out to others for help and support and being honest about how you feel is a brave thing to do and if it tells me nothing else it tells me that you are a brave and strong lady. In your post you told of some of the challenges you have been facing. They would have knocked many a person to their knees but you are still standing and doing your best to find ways to be positive in the face of adversity. This also speaks volumes of the very special lady that you are.
I don't know if this will help you but I found when things get really bad for me I try to find just one single good thing to focus on (no matter how small) instead of the bad thing and concentrate on that one thing, then try for a second and a third thing before you know it life starts to feel a whole lot better and there is no room for bad things to happen.
I'm sending you a really big warm hug and sending you lots of my very best positive wishes and prayers that things will get a whole lot better for you.
All my best wishes Milly x
You can definitely make it sweet~heart. You may not know your own strength in such tough, exceptional circumstances. But I do believe that you can make it; you are brave.
You have already made it through unbelievable events in the past..don't forget that. I am glad you came here and spoke your heart out. You deserve a break like everyone else and you sure will make it to better days with time.
Don't lose hope. You made it before, you'll make it again. You are not alone.
Noura...you'll get through this, I just know you will. I've watched you grow over the years on this site and you've turned into a courageous young lady, one that admire enormously. You've been through so much in your short life and you've survived so, you can do it again. You know I'm always thinking about you and, when you don't sign in for a while, I worry about you but, you're a fighter and this is just another hump in the road for you to get over but, know that you have friends on here who will always be there for you.
The last time we spoke you said you had just graduated and, that's a huge achievement in itself. The fact that you did so when your country is in turmoil speaks volumes to me...the fact that you got the second highest score lets me know how determined you are to move forward....give yourself a huge pat on the back for that.
I hope things get better for you soon dear Noura, in the meantime remember we are all here supporting you.
<3 <3 I love you all so much. I needed to hear your words.
I have been through much worse things, but every time I face something, I tell myself that one day I will be living the life that I want. Which now seems impossible for me, because nothing's working. Even the fact that I graduated and got a high score didn't help me... it's Syria, education here is worthless.
Noura I can only echo what others had said. You are an extremely versatile and strong young Lady. It’s a shame that the only help, us on this site can offer is virtual. I am sure there are many on here who have followed you feel helpless and wish they could help more.
Never apologise for venting.
You bring plenty to the site and are owed that at least.
I promised I would stay off the main boards, but this is one of those exceptional cases because your words literally brought a lump to my throat. I have nothing helpful to offer but I would like to say how sorry I am that a lady with so much obvious talent and emotional depth and who has her whole life ahead of her feels like this.
You are a poet and an astoundingly good one, so perhaps this will help a little. I have read your poetry and have literally been moved to tears. 'Truce' opened my eyes to a world that I should have been more aware of and is, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the best poems I have ever read; not just here, but anywhere. I'm not just saying that now at your time of need - go back to the comments on that piece and I think you'll find me gushing there!
I don't really know what I am saying other than this. Anyone who can touch other people like you can - in whatever way - has so much to live for. You will weather this dreadful storm and you will grow to be the most beautiful, strong, daring, courageous woman there is because of it. And your shoulders will be broad enough to carry that bundle-full of talent you so clearly have.
I wish I could do/say more but take these comments and feel the genuine effect you have had on people who are oceans apart from you and just think what you could achieve one day.
I don't know you and I cannot claim I understand your situation. But would it help to tell you that you sound like a very strong person, from your poems and even your words here? I wish I could help. I know people who were killed after our 25 January 2011 Revolution (I'm Egyptian), and as a Middle Eastern I understand the pain you're in.
I am sorry if it looks like I'm rambling. But there's comfort in knowing that people on PnQ are here for you.