Comments : Beyond Theory

  • 11 years ago

    by Krathia

    Wow. I have absolutely no idea what this was about, but... wow.

    Stanza 1:
    "Cryptic messages in flourescent lighting,"
    The only non-flowing word I could find in this poem was 'florescent'. Or maybe it was because the line made no sense to me. I'm not sure which.
    "speak soft distilled whispers of hope"
    Speaking whispers... I suppose that's possible, gramatically speaking, since you can whisper speech. Anyhow, this line was very gentle and breathtaking, like a feather.

    Stanza 2:
    "Delusional, though somehow sane."
    I love that line. Just love it.

    Stanza 3:
    "Clocks stop, time goes on"
    The way it was phrased was a little paradoxal, which is why it was so... I can't find the word for it, but well done.

    Stanza 4: Again, soft and it reminded me of wisps of white-gray smoke. I think the second line did it. It was a good effect and the third line is definitely not disappointing.

    Last stanza: Like the end of a dance, or a play. Beautifully closed.
    Last line: Wow. Need I say more?

    Wonderfully written, every word was beautiful and the way it was weaved together was amazing, even if I still don't know what its about.

  • 11 years ago

    by Nix

    Very eye-catching title, it is interesting and I think that you truly managed to make powerful connection between it and a poem.

    -Cryptic messages in flourescent lighting,
    speak soft distilled whispers of hope.
    A shiny gem obscured.

    ^Very captivating opening stanza, it pulled me in this poem. Though you don't need a coma on the end of first line, there is absolutely know punctuation need for coma there, you brake that thought little with that sign.
    Other than that very descriptive stanza.

    - Abstract gleams from hearts.
    Pieces, not yet filled.
    Delusional, though somehow sane.-

    ^I really admire your writing through this part, it is very effective, but I think that you have punctuation error. Maybe I am wrong but if you wanted to say that --Abstract gleams from hearts.-- are --Pieces, not yet filled--
    than that should be in one sentence cause that would be apposition and you just need a coma on the end of first and second line, but if that wasn't your point than leave it like this.

    -Clocks stop, time goes on.
    Fear burrowed in the soul
    for pondering the unkown.-

    ^You added so much power to the rhythm with first line and whole stanza amazed me.
    unkown-should be-unknown
    But you still said so much with such short lines.

    -Truth beyond words
    linger in the almost quiet air.
    Deceit is not too far on the trail.-

    ^Greatly written, so remarkable expression, your choice of words is also excellent and you created truly original atmosphere.

    -To sacrifice it all,
    Succumb to it all.
    Emerge, embrace, believe.-

    ^Amazingly written, this your metaphor reach it's maximum, truly beautiful lines, you impressed me here very much.

    -Or perish into a void of nothing. -

    I honestly think that this is brilliant ending, you ended this piece with such poetic power, I truly can't even describe how much complex beauty I found within simplicity of this ending line.

    Overall you wrote so memorable poem. I enjoyed so much in it, all in all it is so creative and refreshing. I like the fact that you made whole piece ample with use of unique and detail descriptions.
    Excellently written.

  • 11 years ago

    by Mark

    Wow. I doubt I can compare to these appraisals. I suppose you could say I am not that in depth. However, after you told me that you had written something new, I knew I needed to read it. :)

    For your first non-rhyming poem its amazing. Its like you've been doing it all your life, and flows very naturally. The final line haunts me, because I think this is an emotion I have felt a lot lately, so it made the poem so personal to me.

    I love it, and I love you.

  • 11 years ago

    by Sourav

    Great poem! Very creative and beautiful... something worth reading!

  • 11 years ago

    by noha

    Its good one as i see, i enjoy reading this simple words, so powerful ,i like this way,you should try more.

  • 11 years ago

    by NyellMoonlight

    First off, I'll start with two suggestions:
    I think that this line:
    - Clocks stop, time goes on.-
    would sound better (for the sake of flow) like this:
    noth-Clocks stop, time goes on...-
    and after this line: "Emerge, embrace, believe." should be a comma, not a full stop.

    Overall, this is truly powerful. I like your descriptions and eerie atmosphere that you created. Your choice of words is great through the whole poem and this is one of the most original poems that I've read in a dark category in a while, it's truly very refreshing.
    My favorite stanza is:

    - Abstract gleaming from hearts
    are pieces, not yet filled.
    Delusional, though somehow sane.-
    ^^
    Very effective.

    I also liked the ending a lot, it is a great conclusion to the whole poem.

    Great job,
    5/5 from me

  • 11 years ago

    by Melpomene

    First off I'd just like to say well done for trying something different & well done for pulling it off.

    This piece is honestly beautiful. I write mainly non-rhyming poetry and I prefer it alot more then poetry with a rhyme. You created a gem here. You really did.

    The length of this poem I adored, I found it to fit right in here. Your word choice simple yet complex entwined in one. I liked that. The flow was nice, You created a smoothe flow which rolled off the tongue. Usually writers who begin to write non-rhyme poetry have a problem with perfecting the flow, I believe this was quite close.

    Like the tasteless said above, The only thing for me was that this piece didn't have a specific meaning behind it. I searched this poem deeply I just couldn't find it.

    Overall this was such a stunning and touching poem. I'd love to see you write more non-rhyming poetry.

    Well done. ~Mel

  • 11 years ago

    by Cayce

    Oooh! You did write a non-rhyming poem! Haha. Okay first of all.. Loved the title. It really made me wonder what this poem could be about..

    Cryptic messages in flourescent lighting
    speak soft distilled whispers of hope;
    A shiny gem obscured.

    ^^ Wow Lace! Your vocabulary here is sooo good. It really brings on that "chilling" feeling. I love the word "Cryptic". I've just now discoverd that word, and am in love with it. "flourescent lighting" really gives me a visual to hold onto while reading that stanza.

    Abstract gleaming from hearts
    are pieces, not yet filled.
    Delusional, though somehow sane.

    ^^ Ooooh contradicting line [Delusional, though somehow sane.]! It's been my favorite line so far, even though it has all been amazing. I don't even know why, but I think abstract and gleaming sound really good together.

    Clocks stop as time goes on.
    Fear burrowed in the soul
    for pondering the unknown.

    ^^ Thinking about the "unknown" is something I think a lot of people do and fear. I definitely fear what I don't know. I hate surprises. Ha. But it's a very relatable stanza and your vocabulary has not faltered once.

    Truth beyond words
    linger in the almost quiet air.
    Deceit is not too far on the trail.

    ^^ Okay, one thing here that I didn't like was the word "quiet". I think you've been so uniquely descriptive so far, and I don't think that word ruins it but it just throws me off a bit, but I loved that stanza anyway! "Truth beyond words" really sticks out to me and makes me want to think about the meaning more, even though there's probably no hidden meaning.

    To sacrifice it all,
    succumb to it all.
    Emerge,
    embrace,
    believe,
    or perish into a void of nothing.

    ^^ Religion is a pretty touchy subject for a lot of people, I'm personally a Christian, but I respect and accept other people's beliefs. I don't really believe that you will perish into the void of nothing if you don't believe, but I love it in this poem. There's such an underlying mystery.. It just "fits" with the poem, if you understand what I'm saying.

    For your first non-rhyming poem, this was truely astonishing! Great job, Lace!

    Keep writing!
    Cayce

  • 11 years ago

    by BurriedFaceDown

    It flows really well. You just have to read a few times to get the messeage. But that can be a good thing.

    To sacrifice it all,
    succumb to it all.
    Emerge,
    embrace,
    believe,
    or perish into a void of nothing.
    ^^^
    I like how you list all the things that MAY happen to you in the "end".

    Bravo

  • 11 years ago

    by Allison

    This is a good poem, its hard to beleive that its your first non-rhyming poem. Keep up the good work. ^_^ *5/5*

  • 11 years ago

    by LuvLyLynn

    Wow, amazing poem i loved the emotion that was in it...also again a unique poem...

    loved the last stanza

    To sacrifice it all,
    succumb to it all.
    Emerge,
    embrace,
    believe,
    or perish into a void of nothing.

    you have great talent...keep up the great work...5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by jLegendc

    It's actually good even tho it doesn't rhyme bcoz of the words you chose to add more emotions to the msg ur trying to tell us... great poem... tho it's not so understandable if u didn't write a note at the end... =]

  • First of all I would like to say that i love the message behind this poem! To me it was clear that what you were talking about!

    My thoughts are that there is life after death.....wether there is heaven and hell is beyond me but I do believe that life does go on =)

    "Delusional, though somehow sane.
    ^^
    I love this! Great choice of words and does not seem forced! great work!

    "Deceit is not too far on the trail."
    ^^
    This is so true! i love how you braught this into the poem! great job!

    "To sacrifice it all,
    succumb to it all.
    Emerge,
    embrace,
    believe,
    or perish into a void of nothing."
    ^^
    This is a great stanza, that finishes it off perfectly! Great choice of words and i like the style of the poem too =) great job hun =)

    Over all this should get more than a 5 so in my notebook i shall write 50/5 :P hahaha

    Great job hun

    ~ This Mask I Hold Is Not Held Tight ~

  • 11 years ago

    by Italian Stallion

    An oustandingly interesting write for me, very powerful and deep. I liked your choice of words and how you portraited such great imagery through out. The flow and structure of this poem was good. Your wording created great imagery for this piece, I could really visualize it. I am not one for dark poems usually, but I felt this was very well exicuted and well thought out.

    ``````````

    Cryptic messages in flourescent lighting
    speak soft distilled whispers of hope;
    A shiny gem obscured.

    ^^Nice begining to the poem, this stanza really made me come out of my box and ponder what you were saying (Which I like when reading)

    ``````````

    Abstract gleaming from hearts
    are pieces, not yet filled.
    Delusional, though somehow sane.

    ^^I must say the last line is my favorite in this stanza, since it shows how some may think...lol

    ``````````

    Clocks stop as time goes on.
    Fear burrowed in the soul
    for pondering the unknown.

    ^^The first line in this stanza reminds me of the song, "As time goes by" which was in the movie Casablanca, which is one of my all time favorite movies I might add.

    I love the word ponder, and to see it used in this stanza, makes me proud, It is always good to see others use words other than the main one, in this case, "think"

    ``````````

    Truth beyond words
    linger in the almost quiet air.
    Deceit is not too far on the trail.

    ^^First line sums it up very nicely, words can only say so much, but someone's actions can say more than their words.

    ``````````

    To sacrifice it all,
    succumb to it all.
    Emerge,
    embrace,
    believe,
    or perish into a void of nothing.

    ^^This was a nice finish to the poem, but why the sudden change in stanza length? I didn't like that this stanza was longer than all the others, but it isn't too bad since it's the last stanza.

    ``````````

    Excellent write, keep up the great work.

    Peace, Joe

  • 11 years ago

    by Jennifer RIP Lesthat Hayden

    I think it's kick ass! :D I love the vocabulary you used and the subject went nicely with the metaphor. Great job. :) Five.

  • 11 years ago

    by fearose

    I love how there it is vague yet powerful. That way, it can speak to pretty much everyone in a different way. It's like a huge swarm of thoughts beautifully penned. For a non-rhyming poem, it also has a lot of flow and I think you did an excellent job with it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to enjoy your writing a lot. :] 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by RussianRendezvous

    Absolutey frickin brilliant. Abstract free verse is my writing style too. I find poetry much more interesting when it is cryptic and deep like this even at the exspence of rhyming. I love the topic too cuz I'm seriously getting sick of everyone only writing love poems. Beautiful writing and definately the best poem I've read on this site so far : ) 5/5

    oh and feel free to poke around my own work a bit, I'd love to hear feedback from a brilliant poet like you<33