What lies within the heart

Stanza.................
another great piece frm u.... well, keep them coming.. hope to read more of ur new poems.
amazing piece... =)

Ok straight out i have to say the first stanza didn't appeal to me, the way you just tried to find words to rhyme together really made it go *bam*

i must admit that starting with the first line i was thinking oh this is going to be just good. but then it went back to neautral. so try to let the words flow and not always want rhyming words.

poems that don't rhyme are still poems, they allow the reader to imagine and interprut the poem how the poem made them personally, feel.

this idea was fantastic, fresh and new, no clique's present. so fantastic work there, my advice is try this one again, maybe as a love or sadness. and let the words flow.

excellent work though, your effort and ability to come up with new idea's and concepts instantly gives you the 5/5 from me.

5/5 David

I really like how this is written as a conversation between two people.

"- Hello, this is your life speaking.
I was just wondering, why
You, who are always seeking
For perfection in your life,"

^^ I thought this was a superb beginning to the piece.

"You, who look so successful
And happy about who you are,
Who can endure every stressful
Situation in your life,"

^^ I feel like "look" should be "looks".. "You, who looks so successful" sounds better to me.

"Tell me why you are now sitting
In this empty room, alone in dark,
And desperately you are weeping
Though everything seems ok in your life?"

^^ This is just a personal thing, but Ima point it out anyway -- "ok" should be spelled out into "okay".

"Tell me why, and where are you going
Without a thought, without an aim?
All the thoroughness you are destroying
And making all the days seem the same "

^^ I think that in the first line, it would sound better as "..and where you are going.."

Overall; I really liked the poem. It was clever, talking to your "life". Sometimes I wish I could talk to mine, so it could tell me what to do, where to go from here. I really liked the word choice, as well. :]

5/5

``Briana

Wow, the way you wrote this poem totally caught me off gaurd. I loved how you made it where the life was actually talking to the reader. It really makes it seem more personal, which makes it where more people can relate.

----------> You, who look so successful
`` "look" should be "looks". :]

Okay, I've got to say all of the "You, who"'s were getting a bit annoying in the beginning of the poem. Maybe you could find a different way to say it? Just so it's not too repetative. Other than that I really liked what you were trying to say. Why has the one who was so high up [or so everyone thought] fallen?

----------> I really hope that I could help you,
But I have no idea how.
`` Hmmm, I don't like how you worded this part. I mean I get that this is a conversation, but it's also a poem, and I think it should be just a little more... poetic. Haha. Maybe just change some words up? Get more colorful words that just make the reader say "Wow". I hope I'm making sense. ><

----------> When everything that I'm used to is changing
Feels like I'm empty and I'm lost
And all the changes I am facing
Gather in me, feels my life is frost.
`` Oooh, this is exactly the way I'm feeling right now. Everything is changing and I guess I'm just not coping with it too well. I liked the way things were, I didn't want them to change, but I guess everything changes.. that's just life.

I loved the meaning behind this. It's a situation that everyone goes through at some time in their life, and usually it makes them before more independant like in your last stanza. "I'll find my way just by my own." By the way I think that line would sound better as "I'll find my way on my own".

Great job, sweetie! x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

"- Hello, this is your life speaking.
^^ i like this beginning. its a good start.

I was just wondering, why
^^ i dont think the comma after wondering is neccesarry.. without it makes it smoother.
You, who are always seeking
For perfection in your life,"
^^these lines are good.

"You, who are always trying
To surely do your best
^^these lines are okay.
You, who try to look shining
^^this line didnt really make sense to me... maybe try something like"you, who tries to shine." just a suggestion.
And always know what to do next,"
^^this is good.

"You, who look so successful
^^ "look" should be changed to "looks"
And happy about who you are,
Who can endure every stressful
Situation in your life,"
^^these are okay.

the rest of the poem was fine.. but it wasnt as strong as it could have been. i was expecting a little bit more.

i hope those suggestions above help you out.

overall i enjoyed this poem. 4/5