Breathing Requires Oxygen

Okay...can this piece talk more about how im feeling? damn, " It seems that my surroundings have been enthralled by you:
I find that everything I pass forms into another memory,
that decides that it's a necessity to smother me.
(but trust me, love, you're doing quite a fine job alone.)"..that part was just epic, and the ending..the ending spoke to much that i can relate to. I rly enjoyed the piece, btw i think ur titles are epic lol long as they are i like seeing your creativity and percision in just a title...nice job.

About time I got to this poem eh Mindy? Haha :D But yeah, I don't think I have commented any of your work before so I need to let you know how I comment. I go stanza by stanza, as I read them. Just a heads up ^.^

Alrighty, the title. I love it. It's creative and truly caught my eye. I had to read it a few times because it intrigues me. I like the word bonus. Anyways, a excellent title. Now let's see if it goes with the poem :]

First stanza: First thing, I love the word enthralled. I honestly do not really know what it means, but context clues help me out. Haha. But anyways, your punctuation is right on point and you use it to your advantage in every line. The whole stanza just flows and I love the emotion. I also like the () on the last line. That line also creates a contradiction to your previous feelings and I like that :]

*Most of the time people can admit their true feelings to other people but when it comes to that certain person, they claim to feel the exact opposite. That's what I get from that stanza :D *

Second stanza: The leaves flowing from you doesn't exactly make sense with me. But when you follow up with the summer's warmth it smooths it over. But I do like the slowly passing too fast :D It made me smile. Your vocabulary is impressive. It's not to the point where I have to use a dictionary but it adds detail. For example, the word avid when talking about the sky. I love it :]

Third stanza: Wow, I love that first line. It like ryhmes somehow but not like intentionally. I am not sure if that makes sense to you, but it just flows... Another thing I like is the way you continue your sentence through the next line. It works so so well and keeps an amazing flow. I love it.

-- my voice has found it hard to enjoy the beauty of our laughter;
(or what remains of the acerbic smiles that still slumber anyway.)

I love love love those two lines. They completely blew me away. The way you said your voice is finding it hard to enjoy, it's complex in such a beautiful way. I am amazed. I also love your vocabulary, I do not know what that a word means but it blew me away [after it stumped me] haha :D

Overall, it was an amazing stanza. Another thing I liked was the twist of nature added it. Makes the sad emotion even stronger.

Fourth Stanza: My mouth just dropped; I am...speechless. Holy moly. I love that first line. I do not know what to say honestly. Holy moly again. I liked the itchy eyes thing added in there, it kinda made me smile because that is so true. And the ineffective tears. Made you seem strong to me, like you know crying is not going to do anything. Which sometimes we have to learn. By the images, I guess you mean memories of your relationship. Yupp yupp. I think so. I like the word oxygen added in there. I know the title has it, but sometimes people don't add that in there. Overall, another great stanza :]

OMG. I love the last two lines. They sum up the piece amazingly. I love it. Love it love it.

So yeah, an amazing piece. Great job. 5.5

Amber.

I swear to you the title can be a poem itself. Wonderful.

1st Stanza.
that decides that it's a necessity to smother me.
^I didn't like your used of that twice here. It threw off the flow for me.
This stanza was so easy for me to relate with because when you part ways with a loved one, they are visibile in everyting you do and all that you see reminds you of them. You described this beautifully and had me curious to read more.

2nd Stanza.
Oh boy. Sometimes one heart is left fighting alone for a love they believe in and thats when you have to come to terms that its time to let go. Wow did I learn that the bad way and yeah it hurts but you tell yourself that the love you deserve is out there so why waste your love on someone that wont return the beauty. Blew me away with your words here.

" I scream again for us"
^I screamed too but my cries were left unheard. I could relate wholeheartedly with this line.

3rd Stanza.
I loved your words choice and flow in this stanza because it was different from the others and refreshing to read. The imagery was painted flawlessly and I could imagine it all clearly. Well done.

"or what remains of the acerbic smiles that still slumber anyway"
^Beautiful use of the word "acerbic" Flawless.

4th Stanza.
My fave stanza! It truly tied everything together nicely and prepared me as the reader for the climax. Your word choice here also blew me away and I loved that you tried different things with your style...it paid off.

"my eyes begin to itch, but not with the urgency of ineffective tears"
^They way you described this made MY eyes itch because it felt so real. Wow...

Last two lines:
Each word in these two lines was used perfectly to describe what you wanted to say throughout the whole poem. Perfect way to end this wonderful piece and bring it to a close leaving me wanted more of your words.

You work always finds a way to captivate me and I am eager to read new poems written by you.

Well done on this amazing piece.
*5/5*

"Breathing Requires Oxygen; Love is Just a Bonus That I Can't Seem to Live Without"

`Lets start with the title shall we. When I first read the title "Breathing Requires Oxygen" I thought how interesting. Yet at the same time I felt as though something was missing from it because it seems too straight forward for how you write. I was glad to see when I opened up this piece that the title was expanded and I must say I like it alot.

It seems that my surroundings have been enthralled by you:
I find that everything I pass forms into another memory,
that decides that it's a necessity to smother me.
(but trust me, love, you're doing quite a fine job alone.)

`The above stanza lets see. I loved the deep and rare emotions you portrayed within this piece. They were definitly a gem and you did make them flow throughout this entire poem. As you proberly know alot of poetry I read I don't feel the emotion, generally because of the lack of emotive words and actually heart put into each line. But darling you did a fine job. Well done.

`The only thing I can say against the stanza above is I feel as though too many "that"s were placed within it. The word "that" was in three of the four lines and used twice in one line. I feel as though you could maybe make it sound a little better by using different words. For example:

`It seems that my surroundings have been enthralled by you

Could become:

`It seems as though my surroundings have become enthralled by you

`or something along them lines anyway. I'm not say change it. Because I know each person writes from their heart. It's just my opinion but who am I anyway right? All I suggest mainly is removing the second "that"
in one of the lines to make it run smoother. Then again it might reuin your syllable count. I'm not sure.

These leaves flow clear of me, as I scream again for us;
the summer's warmth is slowly passing by too fast,
and I can't hold onto the avid skies that have flown away.
(I'm sorry, dear, but one lonely grip just isn't strong enough.)

`I loved the first three lines. I found the imagery to be quite warming. It felt like a beautiful autum/spring day. Lots of oranges and browns in my view but at the same time I could picture a grey sky. Excellent word choice here. If not elegant. The last line.. I don't know. I'm not so sure about it. For some reason to me you start stanzas better then you ended them in this poem. Still they are lovely just not my personal taste you know?

The angel's tears have tumbled, blanketing our streets in white,
and though they cleanse the earth's impurities for a moment,
my voice has found it hard to enjoy the beauty of our laughter;
(or what remains of the acerbic smiles that still slumber anyway.)

`Ok, This stanza to me was really beautiful. The ending line much better then the last two stanzas. I found it to show coldness instead of warmth. Even though angels are beautiful creatures, the imagery you portrayed was full of cooler colours such as blue and white [which are still stunning] I felt alot of emotion pour from here. Breath taking. Expecially the contrast between the two stanzas.

And as lovely blooms begin to color the insipid greens with splendor,
my eyes begin to itch, but not with the urgency of ineffective tears:
It is simply the unsightly images that taint my vision--
(the hallucinations that cloud my sight at lack of oxygen.)

`Ahh, I loved this. Apart from the fact you used "begin" twice in one stanza, but at times I do that too and prefer not to change it. It's quite clear by now what this poem is about and I like the fact that you only let the reader know a little bit by each stanza. It's a clever way to keep readers interested.

Is it merely coincidence that these horrific dreams,
started at the day our charming hearts saw ruin?

`A nice ending. I love the fact you ended this poem with a question. It always leaves the reader wondering and is definitly intriguing.

Overall a lovely penned poem which portrayed such heart ache.

~Mel

----------> Actual Title (Too Long): "Breathing Requires Oxygen; Love is Just a Bonus That I Can't Seem to Live Without"
`` Awww, it sucks that you can't put the whole title, it's much more interesting when it's all put together! Hehe.

----------> It seems that my surroundings have been enthralled by you:
I find that everything I pass forms into another memory,
that decides that it's a necessity to smother me.
(but trust me, love, you're doing quite a fine job alone.)
`` In the third line there's two thats, and it bugs me. Maybe take out the second one so it sounds like this: that decides it's a necessity to smother me. I love the last line, how it's like you're talking to him. I assume it's a him, anyway. o.o It definitely gives you more of an insight into what this poem is actually about. Great opening stanza!

----------> These leaves flow clear of me, as I scream again for us;
the summer's warmth is slowly passing by too fast,
and I can't hold onto the avid skies that have flown away.
(I'm sorry, dear, but one lonely grip just isn't strong enough.)
`` I love the contradiction in the second line. I think maybe you're saying that when that moment is actually happening it seems like it's taking forever, but then when you look back it seems like it just flew by.

----------> Is it merely coincidence that these horrific dreams,
started at the day our charming hearts saw ruin?
`` Ahhh, love love -love- this ending. A question as the ending of a poem makes me think about the answer. Which makes me re-read the whole poem to try to -really- understand what you're trying to say.

This was a great poem! ..as always! XD Your word choice was brilliant. I definitely felt the emotion as I was reading this, and I love how you always make your poem flow so easily without having to rhyme.

Keep writing!
Cayce