Hold your pen and write down

Aww this is sad!
good though!
5/5

Its kinda hard to understand it, but i love it

~gIrL~

"And don't think I'll give you a loan,
You will pay for as long as you live."

Wow. This is wonderful, you know.
It's expressed so well, and the poem itself had a good flow.
I think if you added what BREE aw NAH suggested, it would be better, but it's fine the way it is, too. It gets the feeling and the point out there with a great choice of wording.

"Hold your pen and write down
when i was your little boy
i used to always frown
because you treated me like a toy"

^^ If I am understanding this correctly, you should add the word "this" to your first line.
"Hold your pen and write this down". Also, your I's should be capitalized.

"hold your pen and write down
when you always laugh at me
and you thought i am a clown
it is a painted smile , you see"

^^ Okay. I feel as though your words should be in the past tense because in your first stanza, you referred to when you were a little boy. The second line -- "when you always LAUGHED at me".. Third line -- "and you thought I WAS a clown".. fourth line -- "it WAS a painted smile, you see". And I'd like some capitalization.

"hold your pen and write down
when you tell me you are sorry
because you let me drown
in my fears and worries"

^^ I liked this stanza. Lots of emotion. It's good. :]

"hold your pen and Write down
the bill for all this pain you give
and don't think i ll give you a loan
you will pay as long as you live"

^^ "Write" shouldn't be capitalized. "i ll" should be "I'll".

Overall; I liked the emotion that you put into it. However, I do feel as though it could be better.

4/5

-Briana

Ummm....i feel hurt and anger comming off this piece in excessive amounts.

hold your pen and Wittie down
^^ Witte ?? shouldnt it be WRITE
but i like how you kept repeating that line...it made the poem more powerful having the repitition.

great job.
5/5