Black Windows.

by forevertobeart   Jul 18, 2008


Enchained within the shackles of sleep,
as the dust floats across the land,
spinning and twirling in patterns,
but he never does come knocking my door,
as I sprint across hallway windows,
searching for light amidst the darkness,
some that join me for the first time tonight,
and some that always stood out.

Waiting for a flash or a sign,
or the occasional brush of the hand against the glass,
leaving fingerprints on mist,
and I wish I could touch, could feel,
what lay underneath that skin,
the lives the windows concealed,
the steam of thoughts that lay stagnant on panes,
and like every good story that ended too soon,
the lights would flicker and die,
leaving me alone again,
to make green patterns in black.

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  • 15 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    "Enchained within the shackles of sleep,
    as the dust floats across the land,"

    * Great imagery here. Love the SHACKLES OF SLEEP part.

    "spinning and twirling in patterns,
    but he never does come knocking my door,"

    * Who is HE? Maybe introduce another character before refering to them as HE. I would use KNOCKING ON MY DOOR as well.

    "as I sprint across hallway windows,
    searching for light amidst the darkness,"

    * Love the use of AMIDST; it is a very powerful word.

    "some that join me for the first time tonight,
    and some that always stood out."

    * This is confusing here. I am not sure what is happening.

    "Waiting for a flash or a sign,
    or the occasional brush of the hand against the glass,"

    * Good flow here; Seperating the stanza shows that you are moving on with a new thought.

    "leaving fingerprints on mist,
    and I wish I could touch, could feel,"

    "what lay underneath that skin,
    the lives the windows concealed,"

    * What has skin on it? You just touched mist; but now you speak of skin. My imagery was lost.

    "the steam of thoughts that lay stagnant on panes,
    and like every good story that ended too soon,
    the lights would flicker and die,
    leaving me alone again,
    to make green patterns in black."

    * This is a great few lines, but it leaves the ending too open. I was left wanting more closure. Maybe a few more lines would help.

  • 15 years ago

    by Cristian Teo Regalado

    Beautiful poem i could feel all the emotion reaching out too me...:) Sad but its really good 5/5 good job

  • 15 years ago

    by Andrew

    Nicely thought and brilliantly written, this is a really nice one, though sad but well expressed. Keep up