My Shooting Star

Wow, that was awesome. It was so cute, very well done. Even if i don't agree with love at first sight, it was nicely done. The imagery really painted a picture, overall, great job.
*Chaotic Angel*

This was really well written.
the imagery was very descriptive,

but maybe if you added rhyming, or shorter lines it would have flowed really well.
anyways it was still a really good read.

5/5

Hmm, i like this one better than "When she came into my Life"

i really like the detailed description of the first stanza. and i also really like the last stanza and "As I whispered, 'Because I'll only see a charming cherub once in a while.'"

Okay, here I go! =]

First Stanza:
"The stars and the moon were gently sparkling on that night
As the winds blew the scent of the flowers around me.
The lights illuminated the walkway towards the paradise
As the people around me were like race cars racing towards the end.

> Interesting stanza. Like some of the word choices. Although, in the last line, maybe change 'racing towards the end' to maybe 'As people around me were like cars; racing towards the end' < as the word "race" is twice, and it puts it off alittle. =]

Second Stanza:
"As I was walking alone in that narrow hallway
I heard a familiar voice calling my name.
I turned around and I caught a glimpse of heaven's lovely angel
She was beside my friend when she was introduced to me."

> Hmmm also a not bad stanza, but maybe using "I turned and caught a glimpse of Heaven's lovely angel" otherwise it's a bit of a mouthful for 1 line! :) Nice choice of words though, but in my opinion a few too many fillers. :)

Third Stanza:
"I smiled and said, "Hi" as I shook her soft hands...
The first time our eyes met I felt my heart skipped a few beats
as my mind captured the image of her angelic beauty.
She said, "I'll see you again." with a smile on her elegant face."

> Also another nice stanza. Although, line 1, maybe, "The first time our eyes met, I felt my heart skip a few beats." otherwise, it too is a bit of a mouthful :) Nice descriptive words too, makes me picture her like an angel :)

Fourth Stanza:
"A few seconds later after they've left I gaze up into the sky
As I whispered, "I wish I can freeze time on that perfect scene..."
I knew that she was like a beautiful shooting star...
And then I looked at her as she walked away from me"

> Lovely stanza. All perfect, words, bar one ting, line 1 again :s maybe "A few seconds after they've left, I gaze up to the sky.." As, it sounds too wordy.. But nicely done though :)

Fifth Stanza:
"As I whispered, "Because I'll only see a charming cherub once in a while.""

> Lovely way to sum up the poem. Love this line. It makes me forget the silly little implications, and leaves a smile on my face. Done really well :)

Poem Summary:
Lovely poem, creates an image in my mind, that will, as you've stated, will stick forever :) Well done. However, I've critisized on the wording, and the length of the lines. Very well done, but it just bugs me that they are so long :) I've suggested improvements, whether you take them into consideration, its up to you :)

Well done! Nice work!

4 / 5

=]

Nicole

xx

The stars and the moon were gently sparkling on that night
"As the winds blew the scent of the flowers around me.
The lights illuminated the walkway towards the paradise"
>this line was beautifully written. full of emotion and the description and detail in it painted a beautiful picture in my mind.

"As the people around me were like race cars racing towards the end."
> this line is really good, but i think the way you worded was a little iffy.. maybe if you leave the 'As' out. >The people around me were like race cars reacing toward the end.>
it sounds much better and it is easier to read.

Maybe you should leave out the "As" on the places that don't need. it just makes the whole poem a little hard to read...

Also when you write a poem or anything be aware of your tenses... such as >he was>or she is>
it makes it easier to follow.

*other than that your poem was great. the emotion you put into it was felt through your words..

keep it up~

**Ada**
*aBSwaBHiaPL*