What Awaits Ahead For Me? (Collab)

I feel that the peom reflects a helthy humility in asking to remove the cup if it could be they will

great sad poem

This universe we live in
Is like my hearts love,
Sparkling with glitter,
Like the stars from above.
(7, 5, 6, 6)

Whispering ever so softly
Through the crisp air,
Music of the night
Begins to appear.
(8, 4, 5, 5)

Feeling your presence,
Knowing time is so dear.
Feeling your essence
That brings you near.
(5, 6, 5, 4)
- The rhyme here is different than the rest, because you have ABAB, instead of ABCB. It works okay, the 'presence' and 'essence' rhyme is kind of catchy. But, the difference does show, big time.

I must tell them today,
But can't give too much away.
I'll travel to the ends of the earth,
And hope for nothing but the best to come.
(6, 7, 9, 10)
- I don't like this stanza, especially the last line. And, I think it's because of the huge difference in syllables. It's not like a close match ; 6 to 10. AND, I don't like how the last line is worded, it takes away and is drug out. Maybe;
[I'll travel to the ends of the earth,
hoping for nothing but the best]
(9, 8)
- This keeps it closer, a lot closer. And, it sounds better too. (Note: I do realize that syllable count doesn't ALWAYS mess up a poem, but I think it has a lot to do with this, because you want the majority of lines to be about the same...considering majority of the stanzas are close)

Suffering deep within,
This pain won't subside.
I don't have much time,
I feel it in my bones.
(6, 5, 5, 6)

My friends have no clue.
It kills me overwhelmingly inside.
I want them to remember,
Remember the good times.
(5, 10, 7, 6)
- 'It kills me overwhelmingly inside' isn't a HORRIBLE line. But I'm not too fond of it. I'd suggest (once again) shortening it a bit. Replacing overwhelmingly (5) with something a bit shorter syllable wise and a bit more poetic. I'd suggest a word with 3 syllables. 4 MIGHT do, but I think it'd stretch a bit too much.

I can't fight this anymore!
I can't handle the pain.
I don't think I'll make it
To the brightness of tomorrow morning.
(7, 6, 6, 10)
- The last line here is a bit long, but it works. It does show though, the difference in syllables while reading, even if that's something one doesn't pay attention to. BUT, it still sounds okay. You might be able to work it down a bit somehow, but I don't think it's really, really needed.

My goodbyes I'll have to write,
Before Lord pulls the plug.
Tears now flowing strong,
I'm afraid of what awaits.
(7, 7, 5, 7)

Lord, please forgive me,
For I have sinned.
I lied to my friends,
To ease the pain within.
(5, 4, 5, 6)

The time has come,
I can't take the pain.
To Lord I pray,
Please make it all end.
(4, 5, 4, 5)
- Shortest stanza syllable wise, but it works. It does show that there's a significant difference, though. But, I guess it works. Gives meaning to the poem. (:

Overall you have a good poem, Joe. I'd suggest maybe talking with Jamie about changing it a bit, with the syllable count. Because some areas are really off flow wise and the wording is a bit off, because of the syllable count though. Just shorten it some and it will work.

This poem is built in a unique way, and transfers the pain well. The structure is a classic structure of 4 lined stanzas. The lines are very short, which is good and the flow is well most of the time.
From the third stanza until the one before the end you didn't use your rhyming structure of abab, and therefore the flow breaks there a little bit.
If you could fix that, the poem would have been much better.

The words are simple, and can be related to. Using a higher level of english here would increase the level of your piece.

Overall nicely done 4/5

"I must tell them today,
But can't give to much away.
I'll travel to the depths of the world,
And hope for nothing but the best to come."

It was very odd in the way that this poem was written (as has been previously stated) The rhyme scheme keeps changing, it kind of sets the reader off, because you'll get used to the rhymes and then it changes, it messed up the flow. ^^^ is an example. You started out with:

1
2
1
3

And went to:

1
1
2
3

Aside from that, and a few places where the flow gets a bit rocky, it was well written and the theme of the poem was very well expressed.
4/5

This is really good, it gives out real feelings!