If I was your boy

So Jan is deeply inlove with this gurl hah? hahaha..Just kidding..

I wasnt just reading but actually singing it..Sweet...A Lovely piece dedicated to the one you love that would absolutely melt her heart...Good job..

First impression, the title is kind of "rap-song-ish"; not exactly a bad thing, but it sets a awkward mood.

After reading only a few lines, I like the repetition of the "If I was your boy" line, but it would fit better at the end of the stanza. Instead of:

"If I was your boy
On a snowy path I'd always hold your hand
Like a genie your wish is my command
And start opening the door for you like a gentleman."

Try this:

"On a snowy path I'd always hold your hand
Like a genie your wish is my command
And start opening the door for you like a gentleman.
If I was your boy"

I personally think it sound better; kind of like a cause-and-effect sequence.

In the third stanza, I don't like the second line. That is not something you would want to mention in a love poem.

In stanza 8, the second line is very long. It looks like a run-on sentence to me. By the end of the line, I had lost all interest in reading the line. It would be better to separate the two thoughts into separate lines. I DID like the word IMMENSELY in this stanza though, it was very powerful and full of emotion.

In the tenth stanza, I noticed there are 5 lines instead of 4. This threw off the flow quite a bit.

Overall, the poem is pretty good. The thoughts behind the words were well thought out, but failed to flow on paper as well as they do if you read them out loud. Some of the rhymes were forced (like FANTASY / STORY and SOMETHING / IMAGINING). This poem may be better off as a free-verse poem. I get the meaning of the lines you have written, but it seems that you focused too much on the rhyming scheme. This took away from the words you WERE saying, and what you WANTED to say. I also liked how some parts are somewhat child-like and others are pretty mature. For example, the staring contest at KFC reminds me of a children's game; but many other parts are mature.

There were a lot of positive things to the poem, but the few negative parts that I mentioned seemed to overwhelm the good parts.

This site has a link to a really great tool called Rhymer. You would probably benefit from using it when you are searching for rhyming pairs. Its located at www.rhymer.com.

Great poem!! Makes me melt every time!!! I wish u were MY BOY!!! LOL

Awwww... this was awww.. and beautiful from beginning to end. i love it. hehehe.. nicelt done. it made me smile a lot cuz it reminded me of Jj awww.. and i thank you for that. amazing job truly a 5/5

TaKe CaRe,
Frenchy

I like the original side of your poem you puts in mind fantasy and reality. This stanza caught my attention,
"If I was your boy
I'd never make promises because it leads to disappointments
Though I'm telling you now that I'll never change
Even if the letters of my name gets rearrange". Promises does not always be a broken promises. In a relationship, i think promises are important. If a guy says this to me, it would turn me off, telling me he's not serious enough. Overall, i like your poem it was a pleasure for reading it. It merits 5/5, kel.