I'm living hell on earth

People are right why should I keep on with my life everything about me is a lie.
I hurt everyone with my actions and I keep on everyday putting that fake smile on my face showing that I'm OK.
I always take my anger on other people and the guy I love has closed his heart on me.
Everyone tells me they wish I could be the same as two years ago but how can I be the same if they were the ones who wanted me to change.
My life would have been OK and I would have a smile like the sun if I hadn't fallen in love with the wrong guy, if I hadn't try smoking, if I hadn't try drinking then my life would be fine.
If people think this is wrong or dumb and I should shut up and kill myself already then that's too bad cause I'm still alive and no matter how much I try I can't seem to end my own life
Not even God can help me get up from this deep hole I fell into for all I know I'm living hell on earth.