Helen

by Mel   Jul 28, 2011


She tried to fall asleep
with a smile that belonged to someone else
a heart tracing silhouettes of cities she'd never conquer

and Cloud Nine
behind her lashes

She'll never open her eyes
Kisses like roses replace bites from unfamiliar porcelain
They looked so much more inviting
under flickering fluorescent lights

and every other boy
who skirted her grasp

She tried to fall asleep
drunk
on tears
slipping

behind a curtain of nicotine

5


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Latest Comments

  • 12 years ago

    by The Queen

    The content of the poem was obviously a good fit for Helen. The insertion of the second and fourth stanza is really effective, kind of the summary of the subsequent stanza. Sometimes cutting some lines off like that in the fifth stanza works really well in a poem. I love the subtle words used here, I know they are all incredibly girly and modest like smile, lashes, roses, porcelain, etc. but I really did enjoy reading them. Despite the simplicity of this piece, there is something distinctive about this poem, probably its elegant dramatic tone. Good closing line, too.

  • 12 years ago

    by Dark Secrets

    I know that feeling, when you give up on life and fall into depression, and you explained it clearly and painfully here. I like the words you used and the ending of your poem... it tells more than whats on the surface.

  • 12 years ago

    by Saerelune

    This is a short piece but you certainly know how to place your words in a way that's familiar but also extraordinary at the same time. Sleep, tears, drunkenness ... they're such common things but you made them your own. I was especially fond of the way you structured this piece. Swapping from longer lines to shorter ones, and making the lines even shorter as the tears slipped. Your ending was just one line but it subtly listed two big aspects of this poem. The first being sleep, which is indicated by the word "curtain" (since you close them as you go to sleep). The second one being some sort of delirium, which is indicated by the word "nicotine". Of course they're just my interpretations, but even without these connections, this ending line is still praise-worthy for its uniqueness.

    Well done, and congrats on the win!

  • 12 years ago

    by Mel

    Thank you very much for that.

  • 12 years ago

    by Britt

    This is something fresh and interesting, I really like it. I do think some of your longer lines could be broken up a bit to help with the flow and also make it more aesthetically pleasing, but the words and message you have here creates such a strong image, it's fantastic.

    I particularly like the ending, trying to fall asleep, drunk on tears. Very interesting images portrayed.

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