Temptations In the Dark

I agree that this was a powerful poem and I did not mind the length at all. Every stanza expressed your struggle, how you felt like your life had no meaning to realizing that people care. But that does take time. I think it is only human for us all to go through dark periods in our life.

The rhyming felt natural, and I give you props for not making it cliche or meaningless. My first big suggestion is to watch your present vs. past tense. In the beginning, you are showing the reader the moment where you are in the bathroom. But the near the end, it changed to past tense. Choose one and stick with it. I think it's okay to shift into another in the middle of a piece or if you are sharing thoughts, but not for an action or "in the moment" part.

Here are a few spots I do have suggestions on though:

"When I had happiness in my life
And come to find out
Happiness was very rife."

- This was the only rhyming bit I was unsure about. I stumbled over "rife" mostly because I don't hear it used often and it seemed out of place with your other simplistic wording. Here, I felt like the word was a bit forced but I do understand it means widespread.

There were a few paragraphs, especially in the last lines of certain stanzas, where I felt the flow was broken. Mostly I felt like you added too many words, so it just felt crammed to the reader like here:

"Grab the blade, dispose of the pain at last."

- I know this is in the beginning stanzas but I felt like you had a good start, good rhythm with four lines and the rhyme scheme you had. You can keep that constant but here, you overcrowd a line. Maybe re-word so you're still using "last" but in a more brief manner?

I suggest looking over your poem again just for places where the flow isn't consistent. I also noticed how more toward the middle of your poem your stanzas became shorter. That's fine, but make sure then that one line doesn't drag on over the other.

Interesting take with the good and evil. I liked reading that, it gave the poem more character and gave a new aspect of good and evil working together to show you that life is waiting for you.

Take care. It takes courage to tell your story and this was definitely a moving poem. That is wonderful you have decided to quit the self-harm and I know it must be a struggle throughout the years to say no, but know you are not alone.

Keep writing!

Hey!

I loved this poem. So many emotions. You have shown us your vulnerability and then at the end shown us how powerful you are. From one end to another. I was captivated

Well written

x

Wow, this is so powerful and I can relate oh too well! :) An awesome piece and the ending was perfect! :)

Great poem, really paints the picture of what happens behind closed doors (the sad truth).... takes me back when i lived in South Dakota and had a few friends that did this..... as well as several classmates..... its was sad.... such a repressed town/state...

5/5 keep up the good work
"stop the cutting"

It was very long. Now that I said that, I feel the length forces you to aknowledge that this has been going on for a while. So when in the end the character stops the self abuse it makes it that much dramatic-and POWERFUL.