Enrapturing Dissentience (diary excerpt)

by Faithless Watermelon   Feb 18, 2012


Roots -

Who chases me other than myself and these roots that can't move, stuck beneath the earth but full of life and medicine.

Bloody roots..

Violence enthralls me, gives me something to wish for and laugh at. I hope for the day I see a demon dismember the unworthy, and it leads me to wonder if I am worthy. I hate people. I hate my contempt for them, my contempt for society. The negativity seems innate, though if it is, all the reasons I give it to remain alive still deserve to die. Well I know I don't know, I wonder if it shows, how long answers take to grow, or if my mind is just too slow. Unworthy, unsavory, my negative mind is uninhabitable yet here I am and here I stay until the day I decay.

A loner is never alone, just a moon in denial. The stars surround us, we are many, and yet so alone. Is there something wrong with a social animal yearning desolation? It consoles and repairs us, yet our nature demands a connection to the outside world through the medium of conversation* with one that isn't our self. The only touch I need is from the one whom I've invested my deep love and desires in, but not always. Only sometimes, and I've noticed it can be too much or not enough - only sometimes.

*I say conversation because when I am holed up in my room, away from bother and absorbed in the tiny habitat within my mind, I realize that in the next room is the same thing. I leave my room and whether they look at me or not, there are a pair of eyes. I talk to myself and it's never the same as talking to someone else. I notice I ask questions out of curiosity, but the answers are meaningless without the reasons behind them. They never seem to want to explain. The person never seems to matter, just the voice. I could do without the shining worlds gazing into me, knowing nothing while conveying otherwise.

How many thoughtful vortices can we comprehend are twinkling at us before we implode? Should we care or ignore, who's to say, and how come I do? Alone in a house full of people is not enough, nor is being alone in my house when there are neighbors about. Introverted or openly racist, careful or reckless, they belong to their eyes and the minds behind them. Ever-thinking, what are they thinking? They cannot think like me so they must be inferior. I cannot think like them so I must be diseased. Logic is self serving. What is logic beyond a conclusion drawn with something I can hardly call reason when reason itself is lost to desire?

Life is a motley game and I only want more,
curiosity my vice and wisdom a w**re.
The people who hate me just further my score.
Altruistic narcissists are loathed but ignored.

If I could swim through the earth I'd kiss the fingers of the dirt, unseen and elementary. There is something about their nature that makes me jealous; silence is everywhere here, but inwardly there is an orderly roaring chaos. They're immersed in me as a known unknown force, meant to destroy but employ and implore to restore. If time stopped I'd spend forever digging for my roots. I want to know what feeds me, what demands I be fed, and why I need what I want.

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  • 10 years ago

    by L

    "Violence enthralls me, gives me something to wish for and laugh at. I hope for the day I see a demon dismember the unworthy, and it leads me to wonder if I am worthy."

    ----The above makes me wonder what's your definition of being worthy or not worthy.

    "how long answers take to grow"
    -----I think they take as long as its needed for us to understand them.

    "A loner is never alone, just a moon in denial."
    ---- I love this part because it's so true. A loner is never alone, it just feels like it is but fails to see beyond or around him/her self.

    " I talk to myself and it's never the same as talking to someone else"

    ----In my opinion, I think it will never be the same to talk to someone else as talking to ourselves because when we talk to ourselves we don't have to explain it over and over again just so that we can understand us. Also it's a lot easier to talk to ourselves because there is no one to judge us.

    "I notice I ask questions out of curiosity, but the answers are meaningless without the reasons behind them"

    ---Bingo! I think if someone ask a question out of curiosity then there is a reason behind it.
    I don't believe in asking questions without a reason. When someone ask a question is either because they want to break the ice, or because they don't want to continue being ignorants or because they are eager to know the answers. So Asking questions in my opinion is perfectly fine. But there is a thin line between silly ones and dumb ones.

    "Alone in a house full of people is not enough, nor is being alone in my house when there are neighbors about."

    --- to me the feeling of loneliness is more prone to happen when we feel misunderstood or like no one understand us.

    "I cannot think like them so I must be diseased"

    ---I hardly doubt that it's a diseased, everyone is allow to think differently but at some point or another the different thoughts will arrive to the same conclusion.

    "If time stopped I'd spend forever digging for my roots. I want to know what feeds me, what demands I be fed, and why I need what I want."

    --- Many of us have been or are going through the same, just with different thoughts.
    I often wonder so many questions that seem to have no answer but when the right time comes the answers show. Here is the annoying saying of " there is a time and a place for everything"
    it took me a while to understand it, but ironically with time it's making more and more sense.

    This one was a thought provoking piece, I really like it. It's one of those pieces that make us think.

  • 10 years ago

    by Ending Credits

    I knew that from the title, that this was going to be really good. I was right! This piece would put my diary entry to shame! D: Haha. Your thoughts are incredibly deep and complex! I enjoyed reading this. You show strong beliefs, and prejudice and a firey personality!! It pulls the reader in, allowing them to ponder. I think misfits and loners are the people that make the world go round! :) Being one myself, but that's definitely just a compliment on your part. :P Your statements stand out boldy. Powerfully exhibited! I'm in agreement with this entire entry but, especially with with this single line;

    They cannot think like me so they must be inferior

    ;)

    5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Karla

    I simply love poetic prose. As Baudelaire said:
    "Always be a poet, even in prose."
    And you are because your images gave chills.Can't say which paragraph I loved the most but below there are some lines that blew me away:

    A loner is never alone, just a moon in denial

    how long answers take to grow

    The person never seems to matter, just the voice

    I could do without the shining worlds gazing into me, knowing nothing while conveying otherwise

    How many thoughtful vortices can we comprehend are twinkling at us before we implode?

    Logic is self serving. What is logic beyond a conclusion drawn with something I can hardly call reason when reason itself is lost to desire?

    If I could swim through the earth I'd kiss the fingers of the dirt, unseen and elementary.

    If time stopped I'd spend forever digging for my roots. I want to know what feeds me, what demands I be fed, and why I need what I want.

    Your piece is so dialogic. Stunning piece, my friend. Exalt!

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