Inner Darkness (Collaboration with Ms Happiness)

I love what meaning you have behind this poem. I think you guys did a wonderful job with the collab. I couldn't tell which part was written by one or the other, which for a collab, is wonderful.]

Great job!!!

Loved it

x

Wonderful collab! :)

great job! 5/5

Great message delived with this poem
never give up and keep on fighting

We all felt
How darkness can consume
Everything inside of you
With no hope of recovering
.....Loved your intro here. I would suggest you not capitalize the first letter of line 2,3 and 4 since its just one long line. Really trues, that sometimes, it seems darkness gets the upper hand and you lose all hope of finding light again.

Every step we make,
every breath we take, is counted
We will either fall,
or so high we'll fly......
.....I would suggest you rethink line 4 of this stanza, i think "or fly high" will be better unlike "or so high we'll fly"...i also dont think the comma is necessary at the end of line 3, that must be removed.

fear of judgment
will get us nowhere
the trials of life
we must bear.....
...i think there should be a comma at the end of line 2 in this stanza. I loved the little rhyming you put in this stanza though it sounds forced but anyway, i like it

The sound of failure,
keeps knocking our ears
Pushing us down,
driving us to give up....
....i dont think the comma is necessary at the end of line 1 in this stanza. This stanza was well written, loved how you personified failure to be like a person knocking you, just whispering in your eyes to give in to it, well written.

but with darkness comes light
shining through the clouds of our mind
giving us mental weapons
and the spirit to keep up the fight...
.....i have a suggestion here "But with darkness comes light that shines through"..hope you like it. Overall, this is a good piece that had good content, its a great collab from you two

It was nice working with you Thomas:)
Thank you:)