Very sad short write. I know what it is like to loose someone to death..
Eyes closed in peace
on the dot at half four.
*maybe to make it run together better change it to half past four? just an idea
Your goodbyes said,
your heart slowed to cease.
*maybe add an "a" before cease
He is standing at the door.
Lifeless form lies on the bed;
your soul is given its release.
sad good write. really loved it. keep writing. i really like reading your stuff!
7 years ago
I have always been fascinated by short poems, especially when they say a lot. I love how the imagery here is so vivid.
After reading the title, I literally had a tick-tock sound in my mind as I started to read this poem. It is weird, I know, haha. But it made me love this even more. When I reached the end however, it's like the ticking sound ceased at once and it made it sadder than ever. The emotions that overcome the reader is so saddening and very effective.
Something I've noticed that I thought I should bring up to your attention:
The verb close in the first verse should be in its past tense, I believe.
That said, I am in love with this poem.
When a short poem is done well it manages to hit the reader hard and that is exactly what this did. You didn't beat around the bush or try to be fancy you were direct in what you were saying and the feel of the poem really comes to life as the reader reads on. This piece was faultless.