Denial

"Are you okay?"
Words uttered softly with worry etched across your features and spoken with such concern that it only succeeded in allowing tears to fall even faster than they already were. I didn't realize that you still cared.

Maybe perhaps because I haven't allowed myself to feel anything either. Days pass, with nights melting into them until they become entangled together and I can't tell the difference. Countless hours, thousand of minutes and millions of seconds have passed since we walked away from each other; yet now my heart is slowly opening once more the pain is just as raw as it was that desolate night you were taken away from me because of your violent actions.

I thought if I closed myself off and forced myself to become numb, then by the time I attempted to begin feeling again the pain would have passed, and yet here we are at day fifty one since you so calmly left my life and it hurts just as much as it ever did.

I despise liars, and yet I guess for the last one thousand two hundred and twenty four hours all I've done is lie to myself. For my mind insisted I could do better and my heart warned me loving you was unwise and fooled me into thinking pain was non-existant.Mamma wouldn't be so proud anymore, because I broke the silent promise I made to each of us, I stopped not allowing myself to cry. Now I cry for you. Over you. Because of you.

Denial is such a wonderful place, it allows you to pretend that your world is still full of sunshine and lollipops even when in reality buildings are tumbling down around you leaving nothing except ashes and debris in its wake.

Denial didn't want me to stay any longer, he kicked me right back into reality. One filled with loss and heartache and now he laughs sardonically as I try to scramble fruitlessly away and hide myself once more. Is this heartbreak? If so, then I pray for it to cease. Wishing constantly that tears would stop flowing and most of all, I yearn for the one thing that could help considerably-I wish to be numb again.

I don't want to feel anymore.