Spinning in circles as I kick over the paintings I have created, utterly destroying each and every one of them, and I'll smile as I snap my paintbrush in two. For I'm tired of writing along my arms and suffocating in this bottomless abyss each day. Exhausted from constantly lining up the pills and convincing myself each night maybe it would be better if I just slipped them all into my system, and ended it all. Poison that I've been pouring down my throat each night in the hope of destroying and numbing the inner turmoil that's been spiralling throughout my entire body for months on end will be thrown away, unwanted.
I don't want to be a pale imitation of Picasso, nor my liver to suddenly close up and stop breathing, I'm so young and so much time has been spent focusing on the darker side of life whilst depression slowly strangled me in his vice like grip that I simply stopped focusing on my hopes and dreams. On the good in the world...and I know now I have so much to live for.
The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. I don't want to simply exist anymore. I want to feel, I want to be brave...I want to {live.} I've been fighting for so long to stay strong for others, because I never wanted to cause them any hurt. I never even thought about fighting for myself. Now I will. I'll fight for myself before anyone else and I will come out of this. I will get better and I'll learn to love myself again.
I'll be my own hero.
*"The hardest thing in this world is to live in it." is a quote from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Series 5 episode 22.
