Relapse

I relapsed tonight. But it's okay.

Because sometimes, relapses happen, whether we really want them to or not. And I know this is just a hurdle, and one that I can overcome.
Yeah, I relapsed. I admit it and I'm not ashamed of it. It only makes me human, after all. And I bet if you knew, you'd roll your eyes and think "there she goes again." But you'd also think something along the lines of "I knew she couldn't do it. I knew she wouldn't pull through this. I knew she didn't have the strength."

Well, I do.

Sorry to burst your egotistical bubble that surrounds you, that you seem to think makes you better than the rest of us, but I repeat: I do have the strength. I'll say it again. I relapsed. So what? A relapse only proves that I am trying. If I wasn't, it wouldn't be called a relapse now, would it? And I'll overcome it, just like I have overcome everything else life has thrown my way. Keep throwing your stumbling blocks my way, I don't mind. Because they may cause me to stumble right now but we both know that eventually I'll leap and bound over them without a problem.

I tell myself daily "I am not weak or useless and I can do this. I can get there. I will get there." And whereas at first this was said in vain, wouldn't it sadden you to know that now I actually believe it and know it to be the truth? I may handle things in ways I shouldn't, and my coping mechanisms may not be the best. But eventually I will make it through this and prove what I said long ago.

"I can do this. I am better than this. I am better than you."

I wont beat myself up for this little relapse as I know you're hoping for, instead I'll accept it because I realise it's just another stepping stone on the way to recovery. A recovery that I will make, without your help. Because I don't need it. I admit, I still have feelings for you. I love you still, even now. But I don't need your help.

And I don't need you.