3 Months Ago

In 3 months
I have done so much damage to my body
I've cut hundreds of cuts
I've made scars that will probably never go away
I have scared myself and others.

In 3 months
The monster inside of me won each day
My addiction ran my life
I cut to feel again, to have control, to give my pain a reality
Who knew what I was doing was wrong?

In 3 months
I saw the ones I love struggle to help me
I hurt those I never wanted to
I became a person I never wanted to be
I was the monster.

In 3 months
I went from small cuts that disappeared easily
To cuts that were deep enough to reopen many times
I didn't know how bad it had gotten
I just knew that relief it brought me.

In 3 months
I have battled this every single day
I've given in many times
I've become a very weak person
I figured out how broken I really am.

In 3 months
I've taken apart a razor
I have smashed a pencil sharpener to get a blade out
I have stolen the knife from the kitchen
Just to bring them all to my skin.

In 3 months
Everything inside of me has fallen apart
I have become everything I swore I would never be
I let down many people
I have changed.

From now on I am in recovery
I will find my old happy self again
I will hopefully never relapse again
I will BEAT THIS
I will never take a blade of any form to my skin purposely again
I have to win this
Before it kills me
I have reached out for help
I am stronger than this illness that plagues me
I am a fighter
I will have scars forever
Memories of this terrible time
But I will leave this world many many years from now
Hopefully from old age
Not from my own hands
My own thoughts
My own nightmares.

I will be whole again.