Selfish

I considered it again earlier tonight.

I know it was selfish of me and yet a part of me...simply doesn't care. Because that part of me wants nothing except for this pain to end. It's there, all the time. Every second of every day and it never lessens, not for a single moment.

The parts of my mind that were more rational were screaming at me to take a step back, calm down and seriously consider what I was thinking of. But that small part, the dangerous part, almost succeeded in having me follow its wishes.

I'm not emotionally strong. I never have been and I know I never will be. I don't know how to handle emotions and the only way I can attempt to deal with the negativity is by lashing out. I was never taught how to deal with them in a healthy manner and now...now that shows, especially tonight.

{Because tonight, once again, I considered suicide.}

I'm not sure if I will ever be free from depression, not fully. I may do things, say things, take things, that help somewhat but to be fully free someday? I have no idea if that is even possible.

Because always, even in the happiest moments, He is waiting to slip his hands around my throat once more.