Memories (Collaboration)

This really is a beautiful poem.........poetic!

"Rain from azure clouds fall gently
onto the flowers in your hair. Tempted
by your muse, I write about the dark
tresses that match your candlelit iris'."

- First line: "fall" should be plural since the subject is "rain". I would also suggest using a more unique verb, as I feel "fall" is a bit mundane. I love the next line though and the ties you feel with this person, the passion.

"You are the personification
of my memories,
you are Mnemosyne --
the blue moon that proves
the night wrong
everytime Cannas sleep
in the broken bones
of your dainty muse."

- I had to look up "Mnemosyne" and "Cannas", and I'm glad I did. Makes the poem richer.

"Swept up in personifying what is left
of me, you're a natural beauty that follows
angelic tendencies of sympathetic
oaths, that someday our hearts shall intertwined."

- Just my opinion, but I feel you are trying too hard with this stanza. It seems forced and too wordy. Since you already mention "personification" in the previous stanza, I think the first line isn't even needed. Also, "angelic tendencies of sympathetic oaths" doesn't add much to the poem. I guess I really don't feel a connection from those lines because it isn't specific in what you are trying to say, if that makes sense?

- "shall intertwined" should be "shall be intertwined".

"Humid days are gloriously felt
in the whispers
of your woebegone winds.
Summer flowers won't bloom
until you let your melancholic inks
be dripped upon
a wayfarer's abandoned papers."

- I feel like you could revise this to be less wordy and not have as many filler words that "tell" instead of "show", such as the word "felt" or "let".

This is just an idea to highlight what I mean:

"Humid days- your woebegone winds,
summer flowers won't bloom unless your
melancholic ink drips upon a wayfarer's
abandoned papers."

"Doubts corrupt a soul's conscious
of writing obituaries, crafted from
algid remorses. Bohemian rhapsodies
travel among shadows, trying to find tranquility."

- This first line doesn't make sense to me when reading? Did you mean "Doubts corrupt a soul conscious of writing obituaries" or "Doubts corrupt a soul's conscience"?
- Also, I feel "remorses" would sound more natural as "remorse".
- I don't see the connection with the last line?

"Your beauty remains young --
a vividly coloured dream,
a maiden that longs
for Cannas to bloom."-

- Beautiful line here and re-visit and mention of the Cannas again.

"Serendipity comes along
with the drops of rain
which nourish the being
of your elegantly delicate muse."

- I feel like this ending is weak, just my 2 cents though. "Serendipity comes along" - that doesn't say much. "comes along" seems so passive, maybe use a stronger verb to impact the reader more?

- Also, "elegantly delicate muse" doesn't do much for me as the reader, it just seems like you're putting adverbs and adjectives to describe instead of show. I don't think you need two words to even describe "muse". Maybe too you could capitalize and write "Muse"?

Interesting collab with a lot of creativity. Only my suggestions though that some parts could be worked on and strengthened.

Take care.