Defeat me.

Lately, I keep making
grave mistakes,
expecting to be put
to sleep by silence
only to wake
with fistfuls of dirt
confusing my tongue.

Everyone is so
forgiving,
even winter retreats,
choosing not to target
the exposed bits of skin,
of body
of soul

I almost want to
sink in the placidity
of snow and never
return.

Everyone keeps praying
for a resurrection;
beliefs can be altered
but it's my mind
gambling my worth.

Do I want to defeat it
or would it be easier
to submit?

Where can I scream
if everything I touch is
empty,
what can I destroy
when the stakes are
no longer high?

I am playing in an
orchestra accompanied
by every version of myself -
I will never be enough
for this heart.

____________________
Written while listening to BMTH's new song on repeat.
I was in a pretty bad funk this past week.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y7hVM8CFsGE