Mental Illness Part 2

I know that's not the answer
But it's all I've ever known
I wish I could take it back
To the days that I was sober

To the days my heart wasn't cold
And my soul wasn't black
The bitterness towards others
And the violent attacks

The outbursts of hatred
Towards those that I love
Then begging for forgiveness
From the man up above

It's not fair to them
It's not fair to me
How many wakeup calls
Do I really need?

Mixed with depression
With a dash of anxiety
Bipolar disorder
Together are frightening

It's always a struggle
With even the simplest task
Not ever feeling good enough
Only remembering what I lack

I could be in a room with 30 people
But still feel alone and scared
Or
I can be in a room with just myself
And feel like eyes are everywhere

I try to change but I keep falling off
Feel all the weight on my shoulders
To be who I'm not

Society is depressing
So judgemental and hateful
Can't even go to the store
Without hearing something disgraceful

I'm not fit for this world
The anxiety tells me
The depression keeps picking
While I keep on doubting

So use to the goodbyes
The shadiness and greed
Only valuable to people
In their time of need

I'm not a bad person
I try my very best
Easier said than done sometimes
But I've never been good at tests

I'm basically living on hope
And the love of my very few
I know better days are yet to come
I just have to change my views

Because even on the hardest days
I still look for the light
Even the biggest storm clouds
Are stricken with beauty at night