when rock bottom is all you know.

what happens when you hit rock bottom
not once, but twice?
and everyone assures you
there's nowhere to go but up,
yet how can that be true?

my mind and body duel
at all hours of the day.
it's too quiet one moment
then cacophonies pulse
through my veins.

i'm rendered useless -
feet numb in bed,
face buried in blank spaces.
and when i find the energy,
when i catapult myself to a destination,
it's not that i suddenly have hope.
it's not that i suddenly see the light.

it's me trying to work
through every twist and turn,
but no matter which way i go,
the path is still burdensome.

giving up is not always giving in.
it's not surrendering
and often, it leaves me
more empty than before.
hospital visits, court orders,
learn to identify your triggers!
learn to regulate emotions!
learn to ask for help!
do all this before it
escalates
escalates
ESCALATES!

but don't you see how distressing it is?
shaming myself for reaching out,
shamed by others for not doing it sooner.
"you have all the support in the world".
there's no winning
when every day is a mini crisis.
when fear and doubt cloud reason.

how can i guarantee
you won't be upset with me?
you won't grow tired of me
"nothing i do is ever right for them!"
because i've heard it all before,
your palpable frustration
decimating, depleting my spirit.

it's not just my past that's haunting me,
it's my present and future, can't you see?