I remember as a child I was happy

When dawn brings a new start
I still always get up and find
That the life that I lived-
Hasn’t changed since I slept
But the person I was, I can’t find

I remember as a child I was happy
That I never gave a thought to giving in
When I wasnt upset, miserable or alone
Or thinking the feeling of bliss was a sin

I lie in my bed every morning
Thinking what I done to deserve
A mind so fractured, broken, in pain
That I barely put together a word

At a time in my life I had everything
Yet my happiness could never begin
The doubts and the fears always surfaced
And my anxiety, depression set in

When all I could do was sit back and watch
So many lives, living better than mine
Thinner, prettier, full of talent… wanted
And I keep thinking - Why do I bother?

But my appearance is what keeps me ‘real’
A front I can show to the world
That I’m a strong independent woman
Not an insecure, shy, little girl

To achieve the size that I want
The shape that all seem to have
Will always stay out of reach
Forever remain out of grasp

Everyday is a trail in itself
And I yearn for the day that I’m free
From the pain, the doubts, constant worries
That I’m afraid never will leave

Yes, I know that I look ‘fine’
That only I can see the flaws
But they’re the reason I stay awake at night
These nightmares I’ll forever endure

When in the pit of your stomach I know
Wish my knowledge just couldnt be true
And should someone offer a hand and hold it
That I could feel it to

But to feel is a moment of weakness
A time when you’ve brought all to bear
When the rose colored glasses come slipping off
And your heart can no longer care

But I am worried when the hunger’s-
Not only bearable but also a comfort
A pain that I love
Better than the kind brought about by a knife
Or the wounds inflicted by burns

When my wrists are wrung out and empty
It is only then I can find
That as a person, while I’m here in body
I can’t say I’m there in mind

So when you see me laughing
The centre, the focus to be
That really I’m only a scared little girl
Waiting for a hand to guide me

I know that what’s wrong isn’t physical
But sometimes I wish that it was
That the pain and discomfort would finally heal
And I’d no longer be kept in the dark

When my mind is finally silenced
And the lights continue to dim
I realise I enjoyed the experience
But accept all I can do is give in

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