Redneck Christmas

It were the night before Christmas,
And all around the shack,
The whole family was preparing
For another attack.

This time everyone was ready,
For those midnight raiders,
Who trespass at this time of year,
Like Christmas invaders!

But these guys are dumber than dirt,
'Cause each time they break in,
They just leave presents for our kids!!
And they never steal nothin'!

What in the heck is that about???
Those gifts make me feel stuck!
It really wouldn't be so bad
If my presents didn't suck!

"Why can't you be like Santi Claus?"
That's all I ever hear!
This time he ain't a-gonna win!
His butt is mine this year!!!

I set Granny up on the roof,
And Ma's behind the tree!
Cousin Earl is stuck in the chimney!
I got the cookies with me!

Uncle Elmer's in the closet,
Loadin' some Christmas cheer!
Tonight we're a-goin' huntin',
Gonna bag me a reindeer!

That's when I heard those dang sleigh bells,
There he was, up in the sky!
I thought I had him in my sights,
Till something dropped in my eye!

It was a big old reindeer turd!
Caught me right upside the head!
Granny got hit by a whopper!
We all thought she was dead!

There was reindeer turds everywhere!
Poor Ma got pinned to the tree!
They unstuck Earl from the chimney,
With WD-40.

Ol' Elmer didn't hear a thing,
He was feelin' kinda ill.
We all knew he was fond of shine,
An' that's where we kept the still.

That Santi Claus did it again!
Now we's all covered in turds!
I can't say how that makes me feel,
'Cause they really ain't no words!

My kids, they ain't no help at all!
They's Santi sympathizers!
A-laughin' at our years supply
Of reindeer fertilizer!

Next year I'm gonna be ready!
I'll have something up my sleeve!
Santi Claus has done riled me up,
Now it's his turn to receive!

I's gon' buy me an umbrella,
An' all the blowers I can!
Let's see who's laughin' the next time,
When the reindeer turds hit the fan!!