Fairy Tale Reality Check

If I was in a fairy tale,
I don't know what I'd do.
One thing is for certain,
I wouldn't be caught dead in glass shoes.

When I went to visit my Grandma
And know that she lives far,
I wouldn't cut through the woods at all,
Instead I'd drive my car.

If I was invited to a great big party,
With lots of food - a feast!
My date would be a fine young man,
And not a hairy beast.

When entering another's house
And I haven't been invited to eat
I would not even try their porridge
Or break their favorite seat.

If I lived with seven little men,
I think I'd carry mace
And if that witch offered me fruit again
I'd slap her across the face.

If I had too many children
And I didn't know what to do,
They'd live with their dad on summer break
And every other weekend too.

If I showed up in the rain
Looking for a comfy bed
And you put twenty mattresses on a pea,
I'd tell you to go check your head!

If I ran into a little pig,
Who was building a house of sticks,
I'd warn him there's a wolf in town,
And to check into Motel 6.

The princes would be great and all,
Especially if they rode a white mare.
But they have got another thing coming
If they try to climb my hair!

If my brother and I were lost in the woods
And didn't know our way home,
Rather than leave a trail of crumbs,
I'd call 911 on my cell phone.

I think animals are really cute
Even ones that are small.
But I'm not relying on them for fashion advice,
When getting ready for a ball.

I think royalty is fascinating
From the kings down to the squire,
But if I got mixed up with them,
It'd be front page of the National Enquirer!

If Jack went tumbling down the hill,
Rather than tumbling after,
I'd still be at the top of the hill
Letting out peals of laughter!

Georgie Porgie may kiss other girls,
But not me - Hey, I'm not lying!
'Cuz if his lips came near me once
It wouldn't be me who was crying!

As a mermaid I'd give up some things,
Especially if the boy was real sweet.
But hey, you've got to be kidding me!
My voice... for a pair of feet?

If a witch told me I'd die at 16,
By spinning a piece of yarn,
You'd better believe you'd find this little girl
Buying all her clothes at Dress Barn!

If I don't follow my mother's orders,
I know she can be really mean,
So I would never trade our only cow
For some so-called "magic" beans!

If I was locked in a room of straw,
and must spin it to gold every night,
Rather than guess that little man's name
I'd say, "You take Visa, right?".

So maybe it wasn't meant to be.
I guess for all it's worth,
Fairy tales aren't ready for me,
I'm better off here on Earth!