Confused

How can it be that I'm so confused
as a kid was I punished or abused
is this why its now that I feel so used
should these thoughts make me sad
or should they make me mad
was it my mom or was it my dad
why bring it up, its been so long
should I forgive, is it no longer wrong
but I still hurt when I hear a sad song
did they not care, did they not think
or was it all cause of too much to drink
holding back tears as I continue to blink
I know that the reasons I shall never know
I just often think, into who would I grow
if the past was different and not like so
I feel like I'm drowning, my life a waste
the immediate family, a bitter taste
forced to grow in such a haste
people ask me how I'm so wise
because my life, the truth, and the lies
I saw it all with my young boy eyes
in people I saw the worst and the best
some warm, some cold, empty in the chest
so in a way I guess I'm blessed
but sometimes its gifts we never wanted
the gifts by which we've been taunted
that now in our lives we are so haunted
everyone says, its not my fault
my heart holds feelings like a vault
that often feel like a wound in salt
I pray to god to not make the mistakes
and unlike my dad I'll put on the brakes
so that my son will never have to cry lakes
he can grow big and he can grow right
and it'll never be me to extinguish his light
and his eyes always will forever shine bright