Birthday Blues

I keep thinking that I should be happy,
that somehow everything should be okay.
Instead a hammer pounds from inside my head,
and this queasy feeling won't go away.

I turned nineteen today.
I shouldn't feel this sad.
Yet I can't seem to lift my spirits.
This is the worst birthday I've ever had.

I keep waiting for the phone to ring
and hoping you're on the other end.
I can't seem to pull myself together.
My head is starting to spin.

I'm hot and I'm tired,
and I'm consumed with thoughts of you.
I think back to last night and our confessions
and when you said that you might love me too.

Engraved on my memory are those words
as I sit despondent and lonely.
I'm staring out the window as time creeps by
with nothing but silence for company.

I'm trying to find a reason to smile,
a reason for birthday cheer.
The truth is that there is no solace,
no comfort or joy since you're not here.

(c) Mary Barren