My Ana [not poem]

Hey people i have read through the 'reality of mia' thread and it seemed to help so i thought id write down my anorexia story, if not to help you, but to also help me.

its funny you know, because it starts off like a diet. we've all tried them and given up but sometimes, just sometimes, somebody will stick to it, and every so often, someone will go too far. well what are the chances that this one person was me eh?

I've always been a slim size 8 [UK] and guys were into me, lived to shop and all that. on the first day of year 11 this girl came into my classroom, i almost didn't recognize her. she had used to have been chubby and that but she'd lost so much weight and looked FANTASTIC. her parents had split up that summer. i have well 'issues' at home with my mum,meaning that she's never around and to be quite honest, doesn't love me. then i split from my boyfriend and my best friend at same time. i lost control.

but the one thing you can control is YOU. what goes in you, what goes out. you start off not eating junk food, then it turns to just fruit and vegetables and then just nothing at school. you skip breakfast because you didn't have the time, leave your money at home on purpose so to avoid lunch and skimp on dinner, just enough so no one worries.

you get up early to exercise, and its getting earlier and earlier, you're getting too little sleep. its great at first, when you're losing water weight and then the weight loss slows and you panic and the fight is even harder, you turned irritable and you can sense their worry but it just annoys you even more. why can't they get their own lives??
the clothes are getting baggier, you're buying bigger sizes, not only to hide the fat that you can see but to hide yourself form prying eyes. you hate mirrors and scales yet you are addicted to them, because they are the only things you can rely on. you're drinking water but very little, can't put on weight, hell no, and you're probably losing it all through tears and when people mention food or diets or even your name you have to excuse yourself cos you can't handle. everybody is watching your every move, even people you don't know. thats why you have to pretend everything is all right, when you know its not because you look fat and your hair has lost its shine, you've got spots on your face and you are always so, so cold.

and the starvation. its physically uncomfortable but emotionally comfortable.you love the feeling because it means you're closer to the goal. you keep setting your targets and then moving them, because when you set them you think that then everything will be OK but when you reach them you realize everything still sucks so you keep having to strive more.

you can't stand the sensation of someone touching, of eyes boring into you.i mean what's everybody's problem you can't decide between running off or crying or screaming at people, so you stand and cower in these huge clothes and limp hair, your starvation gnawing at you, shivering with chill, you look like sh*t and you know that everyone judges you, even your friends, ESPECIALLY your friends - there ain't no friend like ana.

sorry its long and . . . boring? but i know the feeling of hating yourself and the happy person in your memories just doesn't feel like you anymore.

Gabriella Anderson
xxx