Voices..

I hear voices saying load my gun
and i hear voices saying don't load my gun
one voice says i have nothing to live for
the other says i have a lot to live for
i don't know what voice to listen to..
i have nothing to live for, do i?
my mom and dad rejected me..
now i feel my g.ma is doing the same..
i put the bullets in my gun..
i put it to my head..
i get ready to shoot..
and i stop and remembered..
i promised someone i wouldn't do this ever again..
but what if they don't care?
how to find out?
i wonder if I'm living a dream..
or am i living a lie