Sounds

I think you have a lot to do with this poem. You have only scratched the surface and seem to have picked the generic 'made for tv' sounds.

Try getting gritty and dirty. Imagine you're in a trench in world war one. The hushed whispering as you light cigarettes, hoping not to be shot by a german or english sniper. The silent prayers for safety. Silence is often more effective than loud rangey bangs.

By the last stanza I was quite bored of the cries of war. Perhaps making the stanzas longer into two ten line stanzas would be more effective too.

You can do much better with this.

Bret

Nice

WOW i like it its soo gd :P

I enjoyed it immensley and look forward to more poems :D