Silent Screams

After reading your poem, again, i really liked it. i think some dudes trying to give you just a lil advice.. (Sean Allen) lol keep it up, you should write things like this more often. never really saw this side of you before but it was a good poem, I can relate. keep "trying" =) jk

WOO HOO Good Job!

-"Silver tears, falling liked blackened mist,"
'liked' should just be 'like', a simple mistake that you probably just missed on the proofreading... although I don't know how everyone else who commented missed it... is anyone else actually reading the poem?

-"Such and imperfect world, yet nothing to lack."
I think that instead of 'and' you meant 'an'

Most of this poem is composed of lengthy lines that are rhymed couplets. If you're using rhymed couplets, then I'd agree that lengthy lines is the way to go. However, I'd suggest trying to make the syllable count per line more uniform. I don't suppose there is a problem if the two lines of the couple are around the same syllable count (like 1 off from the other), but in the second couplet, the syllable count is 6 and 9, respectively. That makes a slightly awkward rhythm, which I feel detracts from the poem.

Concerning the ending, I think that breaking your pattern was a good idea, but I don't think you did it effectively enough for it to be as strong as the rest of your poem. Maybe instead of using a sort of rhymed couplet with a rhymed internal triplet you could make a quatrain with an ABAB rhyme, and that would be different enough from the rest of your poem that it'd be set apart from the rest.

"Silent screams, heard throughout the night,
Dreams now shaddered, and darkened light."

These two lines appealed to me the most. Love the imagery. Good write. 5/5

Wow.. very good! i so knoww i am going to lose that contest now! lol.. this was excellent! very heartfelt, had a good flow, and nice descriptions! what more can people ask for? hehe.. nice job! keep up the wonderful work!