Why cant I understand

I'm sick of resisting
Of feeling this pain
I want to get it over with
Or I will go insane

I'm sick of living in hell
I feel i cant manage
from being what i enjoy
living to my disadvantage

I wish i had the strength
to harm myself that way
But every time i see it
I feel i need to stay away

Is my heart telling me
What is really right
That maybe ill be Okay
and everything will be alright

My mind is leading me
to this pain i wish i can deal
Letting me to take this chance
to really understand and feel

I'm sorry I cant live on
but another excuse to release
It's just too much to live
finally I'll have some peace