Looking back with hindsight,
Throughout all the relationships in my life
Of which i thought i was in love,
I realize,
That those feelings,
May have been strong, weak,
Lust or fake.
It's surprising though,
That even though i have gone through many emotions,
I have not grown up very much.
Reality wise.
I still make the same foolish mistakes
Like unnecessary teasing,
Causing unhelpful and ignorant pain...
I can still do all of that,
Does that mean i am still a little girl?
Who does not know what she's doing?
But,
I know how to cause feelings of happiness within others,
To make people smile and laugh....
Does that mean i have grown up a bit?
Not much maybe, but just a bit more?
A bit older than a little girl?
I look at my first relationship,
Who i thought was my one and only,
Jonathan.
I remember from him,
The emotions of heart-shattering pain,
Of having a heavy heart,
Of tears flowing,
Of ignorance.....
From him,
I remember sad things.
My obsession,
After Jonathan, was a guy named Cloud*
Cloud makes me remember
Longing and yearning,
Loneliness,
Vindictiveness and vengeance....
From him,
I remember strange things.
My second relationship,
After my obsession,
Was a guy named Jesse.
He was very nice on the eyes,
Blond hair, do not remember his eye colour,
But blonde hair, tall
He reminds me of kindness,
Gentle caring and warmth,
But an odd detachment from all of it as well....
From him,
I remember all that is good and light.
My relationship after him,
My third was Daichi.
He was an exchange student from Japan,
I found him a quiet person,
He seemed more embarrassed of me than anything,
That and he was a bit rude maybe,
And not really a nice person to get cuddly with
For he was angular for some reason....
From him,
I remember uncomfortable things.
Looking at all those relationships,
No, it is not that many at all is it....
My first one screwed me up,
The obsession just made that worse,
My second one made me see the good,
My third made me uncomfortable....
My present however....
I feel happy,
Often light hearted,
Sometimes a bit guilty,
I get frustrated, angry and annoyed,
Then i feel a bit sad and lonely,
But after he cuddles me,
And tells me that he loves me,
And how important i am to him,
I feel all cheerful again.
He makes me laugh and smile,
Talk, gossip and brag,
Yell, scream and shriek,
Punch, kick, bite and scratch,
Squeal and squeak,
Argue then make up,
Compete and try my hardest....
All because i know,
That he is cheering for me....
That he appreciates me....
That he cares about me....
That he loves me....
Maybe it seems a bit one-sided or selfish,
But maybe, i just can not really explain that well....
