Pain

*In Recognition of my cousin Ryan S.*

Pain exists in my life
Never goes away
The cold wind constantly blows
Making me cold
And makes me not want to live
Myself-esteem has faded
And emotions are me
I always wonder if I exist
Exist in the real world
I drank alcohol, that I never wanted
I took pills, I thought would kill me
My anger, my hate, my tears
Are my everyday feelings
I sincerely tried to take it all back
My fears become my friends
And my family has become my fears
In place of my family
Are demons, fire, drugs, alcohol,
poison, pain, hurt, tears, anger
I have lost so many of my precious things
Like my family, love I never got
Understand me I become my fear
I was the only thing I held onto
I understood myself
I lost myself in myself
I can not find myself
All because I chose to
Do drugs and drink
I guess I held onto myself
For so long, that I hated myself
I accepted to many sorries
That I gave up
Because I just thought
My life was a sorry from God
That wasn't suppose to be unleashed
No one can seem to shake me
And to say "Look all the mistakes you made."
Devil thinks my life is an amusement park
Fun to play with like a toy for a toddler
Meant to be fun and playful
I cannot stop, its one of devil's schemes
And my words for help is written in blood
Then wiped away, smeared against the wall
So let me ask do you think it's funny
To see someone hurt so bad
Like a helpless dog so poorly abused
Like needles constantly poking you
I will never fly free
But instead of locked up in a jail cell