Story book life

by jason   Mar 22, 2007


Sitting down in my chair
breathing all this thin
dried out air
no smile or grin
just an empty stare
into a silent room
thinking of all that is unfair
in a wedding hall
watching the groom
fall
blankley seeing all

that is happening all around
not hearing any of the sound
lost in the silent mind
again in a car
driving of to a far
drifting off into space
wandering what fate awaits

sitting in this class
watching the clock
behind the glass
going tic toc
just watching the time pass
while the mind slips away
withers and decays
thinking of the next line
to write in this story book life

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Alesia

    Good job! It was a really good poem. I think that you could have done way better if you didn't try to rhyme this poem. It would have gotten the meaning across a lot stronger, in my opinion. Over all, it was really nice.

  • Mmm, I liked what you had to say, but I didn't care much for the way the stanzas were, punctuation is a must really, it makes it easier to understand, read and enjoy. But all in all, you aren't bad. Keep up the good work. =)
    -Ally

  • 17 years ago

    by N J Thornton

    I like the idea the I THINK you were trying to get at, but in parts it was a little confusing.
    In the day dream, as you switch between scenes (wedding/car/space) there needs to be a break of some sort...also between class and day dreaming at the beginning and end. A subtle paragraph break should work. For example
    "Sitting down in my chair
    breathing all this thin
    dried out air
    no smile or grin
    just an empty stare
    into a silent room
    thinking of all that is unfair

    in a wedding hall
    watching the groom
    fall"

    Oh and on the second line maybe you could drop "all this," it's easier on the tongue that way.
    For now, I think that's enough to be going on with....would love to read again if you choose to edit...
    Keep with the daydreaming storytelling idea though, that was good.

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