My Pain and Tears

Every night, I lay here thinking.
Thinking about whats going to happen to us.
My nights have become black, no moon or stars light the way.
Wherever I go, dark stormy clouds follow me around.
Crackling with thunder and lightning,
Always Raining down on me.
Just like every night, my pillows soaked with tears as I cry myself to sleep.
I am tormented by thoughts of you during the day,
But even more so at night when I dream.
Because the are always so vivid, always so clear and colourful.
I dream of times spent together and times we could have had.
They always seem so real, I know they're not but I fall every time.
I get so drawn in by them, that when I wake I become even sadder.
I become angry and begin to hate myself for falling for it every day and night.
I have lost all feelings, no love, no happiness, no joy, no nothing,
Everything except the pain I always feel inside gone.
I want it to go away, so I sit there holding a blade.
I place it against my flesh and slowly work it across.
Not enough to bleed... yet just enough to cut.
I start again but push harder, slicing through the layers of flesh,
I bleed a nice steady flow, running down my arm.
The sight of my blood provides a door for my pain to slowly escape.
It provides a sense of relief, even if only temporary.
But it makes everything a little more bearable.
When the bleeding slows and the door begins to close, the pain gets locked away again.
I go out into the dark night, I go for a walk.
I don't choose where, I just follow my feet and think.
I walk and think until I can't walk nor think no more.
But still the pain is there, so I go home to bed, the same every night.
I lay here thinking and eventually cry myself to sleep on my tear soaked pillow.