My eternal suffering,
The pain I feel all the time,
Nagging..... nagging at my heart
I feel inadequate somehow,
Disordered,
Unneeded, Unwanted
The meaning of my life seems so distant now...
My friends do not need me,
My family do not need me,
At least when they did... When I knew I could give them some degree of help
Some measure of hope!
At least... that gave me some sort of meaning
What meaning is there to look to now, to give my mere existence reason?
Life, like poetry, needs some amount of rhyme or reason...
Does it not? Am I fooling myself?
Why, oh why, did I not go through with suicide?
Why should I not now, when suddenly the reasons I didn't do it then, are gone?
Is it not a sad, sad existence I live in?
Laughable to some degree I am sure,
That I am like the dutiful servant to everyone but myself
That it makes me feel so helpless not to be allowed behind the fierce wall of those I love
That it seems my efforts to break through are, above all, unwanted?
That I am such a fool to want... no, to NEED, to carry the burden of the world for others
You must think me something awful,
A cynic, perhaps?
Though I very much doubt that there is not something wonderful to be had of life,
I must say that I have only seen it through other peoples eyes and never...
Never through my own
Oh, perhaps I've seen glimpses of it out of the corner of my eye,
A flashing of it when I least expected it,
But it always brings me pain once it's gone
That I can not, at least, see it through my loved one's eyes
Give them what I wish for in the whole wide world for myself,
That I am unable and helpless to give it to them,
Makes my life seem bleak... meaningless
My heart aches...
Oh! How it aches!
P'leik.... The suffering...
Bruise my heart to end the pain
