That little box.

by Teria   May 3, 2007


Stormy nights the thunder sounds,
breaking trees from the grounds.
Fearful tears fall so gently
making the box bend more immensely.

Bright lights fill the night,
the lighting sending fright.
The little boy finds a home,
roaming the streets all alone.

Tired and weak he takes a break,
not knowing that his life is at stake.
The lighting strikes, one is dead..
another awaking in a soaking wet bed.

The little box housed the boy,
but for him there was little joy.
For, the previous owner left a will
written across the side slanted as a hill.

'This box goes to the one that slept alone last night,
I carried him here, hoping he'd be alright.
I took his place up on those steps,
and left him with a box dripping wet."

The boy slowly felt the salty tears falling.
He could not believe what he was reading.
Such a kind old man, with no where to go.
Had a heart of gold that the boy wanted to know.

His box sits up right inside his three bedroom home.
With his wife and kids, he's never alone.
He tells the story to those who stare..
For, who knew a homeless man could even care.

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  • 16 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    Fearful tears fall so gently
    making the box bend more immensely
    [I don't like this line. I'd switch gently and immensly...perhaps that's just me. Just a suggestion, here.]

    but for him there was little joy.
    [I don't like this either. "Joy" and "Boy" are such overused rhymes. Try to make a sentence with "ploy" or something. But, if you MUST keep this line, I'd change "But" to "yet" because it would make more sense, promise.

    I took his place up on those steps,
    and left him with a box dripping wet."
    [Ah! You broke rhyme scheme here! NO!!! Sin!!!
    Haha. Just kidding, but seriously, it kills the flow. I'd try to fix it with something like
    "I took his place and on the steps I set,
    And left him in my box dripping wet."
    Eh, not the best, but you get it, eh?]

    The boy slowly felt the salty tears falling.
    He could not believe what he was reading.
    [Again with the killing of the scheme. Or maybe this was part of it? Ah, I'm confused. But, anyways, it breaks the flow. Fix it or not, it's up to you. =) ]

    Such a kind old man, with no where to go.
    Had a heart of gold that the boy wanted to know.
    [Very nice lines. Just simply nice. =)]

    He tells the story to those who stare..
    For, who knew a homeless man could even care.
    [Beautiful last lines, but "those who stare" is a little random in my opionion, perhaps "to those who want him to share. Something like that.]

    Anyways.
    A nice poem, but a few mistakes. Sorry I'm such a stickler, but yeah. Nice meaning, though.

    xTheEcstasyofSuicidex 4.5

  • 16 years ago

    by XxMoonLightxX

    Another wonderful one!...again very nice flow and rhythem...tells a nice story...and you are right the homless do care..i think they care more than we do ourselves in cluding me. Becuase they dont' have much of anything so they are taught to appreciate everything.
    again nice job
    5/5 from me
    love,
    ~Shannon~

  • 16 years ago

    by Kelsea

    This is really sad, and pretty too. Good job :]

  • 16 years ago

    by Gem

    That really made me want to cry..
    I'm totally speechless...
    (which is a first for me!)
    It's an outstanding piece!
    I was thinking of entering this contest as well, you're going to be tough competition! lol
    5/5
    *Gem*

  • 16 years ago

    by Kurt

    Oh my god. This was a brilliant poem. The lines were so powerful. I'm speechless. This is such a perfect poem. 5/5 isn't even justice to this.

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